April 17, 2008

We received a call yesterday from our surrogate that she was having contractions and heading to the hospital, so Nick already flew out to San Diego to be nearby. They ended up stopping the contractions and gave her a steroid to speed the lung development of the babies in anticipation of delivery within seven days. They sent her home and some decision is supposed to be made tomorrow as to whether they think it’s time for birth or not. If so, the plan is that I’ll fly out for the birth and then return home the following day. Nick can work from San Diego while I cannot, and I need to save my vacation for when they come home. The doctor said they should be in the NICU a minimum of seven days, so I’ll fly back out to help Nick bring the boys home. But then birth could be quick, meaning I’ll miss it. I’ll be upset if I miss it, but it’s not the end of the world. I’ll bond as soon as I see them, but I’ve always wanted to be there for that once-in-a-lifetime event.

My head was spinning today, and I continued my attempt at preparing the nest here at home. It seems like everyone’s giving me advice and words of encouragement. I’ve received contradictory advice on diapers though. “Huggies. You’ve got to use them”. “Get Luvs – they’re the only ones that prevent blow outs”. “Get the Costco brand. They’re just as good and half the price”. OK, I’ve decided diapers are like buying jeans. You have to try on 15 different cuts and brands before you find a pair that fit you perfect and make your ass look good!

I received a copy of Details magazine today and it had an article titled, “The Gay Baby Boom”. I guess Details knows who butters their bread! I found it interesting that they said single gay men who adopt or have a baby via surrogate and egg donor find that having a baby makes them more attractive in the dating scene. I would have thought the opposite, but it said gay men with a child are seen as more stable.

If the birth isn’t scheduled for Saturday, then, as a neighbor suggested, I should do something tomorrow I won’t be able to do for a long time. Maybe a pedicure? Go out to lunch and read a magazine? Rid the house of wine? It’s supposed to be a beautiful, warm day so maybe I’ll take the dog to Petsmart (she goes nuts) and a nice, long walk in the park.

Down to the Wire

I’ve been busy with last minute preparations – every day I seem to think of one more thing that needs to be done, one more chore around the house I don’t think I’ll have time for once the boys arrive. Our baby shower was a wonderful success and we received so many things we’ll need from our friends and neighbors. I don’t think I’ve ever opened so many presents at once in my life. We still have a few things to buy, and I’m sure there will be things we didn’t anticipate that we’ll get once the boys are here.

The nursery is complete, other than missing the dresser and changing table. We ordered it with the cribs last December, and it looks like it’s not coming anytime soon. Apparently all furniture is now made in Asia and takes months to get to the U.S. I guess we’ll figure something out. I washed all their clothes in Dreft last week, and I discovered the joy of folding tiny clothes and sorting out little socks. We installed a video monitor, put together vibrating, music-playing swings, and made space in the storage room for diapers and items we won’t need immediately, like high chairs.

This past weekend was busy with yard work, window cleaning, another neighborhood 1st birthday party, and time with friends. I’m already feeling exhausted, so I suppose I should get used to this feeling. Our surrogate is on bed rest and feeling very uncomfortable with both babies kicking. She’s still scheduled for a May 5th birth, but we know it could come sooner. I think our biggest fear at this point is getting a call that they’re coming “right now” and we don’t get a chance to be there in time for the birth. If all goes as scheduled on the 5th, we’ll fly out on the 4th. We’re hoping they keep growing for the next three weeks and won’t need to spend time, or not much time, in the NICU anyway. They were estimated to be over 4 pounds each a couple weeks ago, so they’re doing well for size.

I’ve recently had a few panicky dreams, usually with me alone with the babies, unable to do things I need to do. I’ve been told this is normal for first time parents. Mostly my thoughts are about what they’ll look like, what their personalities will be like, what it’ll be like to run errands with one or both of them. I tend to get a little panicky in anticipation of any huge, life-altering event. I don’t know why I worry so much about all the little details. Like everyone with babies tells me, you just do what you have to do, and as difficult as it is at times, it’s wonderful!

I had one more major purchase last month. After trying the baby car seats in my old car and figuring out how to wedge the double stroller into the trunk, I realized that it just wasn’t going to work. I had to move the driver’s seat up so far, my knees were against the dash board. I looked online at minivans for about five minutes before deciding against buying one. I don’t like how minivans handle, it would be too big for our garage, and then they don’t get the best gas mileage. I had noticed that Prius’ have plenty of leg room in the back seat, plus the hatchback, so I took the baby gear down to the Toyota dealership to see how it would all fit. There was plenty of room, plus space in the rear for the stroller and diaper bags. I don’t know if it’s an optical illusion or what, but Prius’ are bigger than they look. So after years with no car payment, it was time to buy something new and I’m very happy with my Prius and the 48 mpg. I’m getting.

We finally came to a compromise on one other issue – church. Nick had been going to a Catholic church in recent years and insisted that the babies be baptized. I pointed out all my problems with the Catholic Church, and I had a huge problem with him trying to raise them Catholic. The compromise was to join a Presbyterian church that’s somewhat similar in liturgy to Catholicism, but very different in doctrine. We found out many of our neighbors attend this church, and they accept gay people as they are. In fact, they were thrilled to find out that we were a couple having children. It’s a very open, caring environment, and the church is very much into environmentalism and global and local missions, so we feel very comfortable and welcome in this church.

Babies Still Growing!

It’s been a while since an update, but the babies have been growing. The latest report is that they’re about a pound and a half each, in the 90th percentile for size and very active. (my apologies to our poor surrogate for the nighttime kicking!) That’s great, since they’re twins. We have another appointment in a couple weeks, but so far everything is going great. The doctor also set the date for birth (induced labor or c-section, depending) for May 5th, an entire month earlier than the original due date. I can’t believe we only have about 9 weeks!

We’re still waiting on the nursery furniture to arrive, but the room is painted, closet organizer is in, and we already have some clothes, diapers and other things donated by neighbors who had leftovers. We’ve been gathering names, addresses, and e-mail addresses for our neighbor who’s coordinating our baby shower next month. I think we’re inviting over 70 people, so it could be a full house. We’ll also serve brunch and Mimosas, so it should be festive. I never imagined I'd be having a baby shower in my lifetime, but it's going to be fun.

With the date closing in, I’ve had odd dreams – some scary, like me being home alone with the babies and unable to leave or get any sleep. Others have been about playing with them when they’re older and crawling. More than one person told me this is typical for first time parents who don’t really know what to expect. I suppose it’s anxiety mixed with anticipation and happiness. Everyone says the parental instinct kicks in and you do what you have to do. I also wonder what they’ll look like all the time, how tall they’ll become and what activities they’ll someday participate in.

I haven’t talked much to my parents lately. Maybe twice this year to my mom. She keeps telling me to pray for them in the womb, check out their church website for parenting tips, and other odd things. I think she’s really gone off the deep end with her religious beliefs at this point. I have no contact with any other family members and we’re not inviting them to the baby shower. I doubt they’d drive all the way anyway, but I dont' think I would feel comfortable with them here. I have a feeling they may come out sometime after the boys are born, and I’m afraid I’ll dread it with all the “in your face” religion I’ve been getting. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Genetic Testing Complete

We received our package yesterday with a DVD of the 4-D ultrasound plus still pictures. Nick wasn’t impressed with the quality, so they’re doing it over. But I could see one face fairly well and hands and feet. It would probably help to have a doctor there to explain what you’re seeing. We also received the results of genetic testing and everything came back fine. Having a handicapped brother and seeing what he’s gone through in life, this is a great relief. Mostly we did the testing in order to be prepared if something was wrong. I’d hate to find out a baby had a birth defect at the actual time of birth.

As the date of birth draws nearer each day, I find myself wondering how my life will change. Sometimes I think about the logistics of it all – how will I get ready in the morning, walk the dog, change diapers, feed babies, etc.? But I'm forgetting that parents actually fall in love with their babies, these little, helpless human beings. In the beginning it’s just taking care of basic needs, but soon they’ll be able to interact with us and talk. I don’t think it’s anything I can possibly understand until it happens. There’s no need to worry or wonder. It’ll just happen and be amazing.

We Know the Sexes!

The holidays are over and it’s time for an update.

Our surrogate flew out to visit us from California for four days the week before Christmas. It was exciting to get to know her better and we did our best to make her feel at home and like a part of our family. She had never been to our city, so we gave her the tour, took her out to dinner two nights and one night we all worked together to prepare a home-cooked meal. She also went with us on a shopping trip to Babies R Us, giving us pointers on things to get and what’s really unnecessary. It sounds like first time parents usually buy more than they need and end up giving many things away. Since she’s already a parent, any advice she had was very welcome. She also attended our neighborhood Christmas party and met many of our neighbors and their kids/babies. I did a little baby sitting for a while to give a friend time to eat and socialize at the party, so hopefully our surrogate got a chance to feel comfortable with us becoming parents.

Christmas was rather uneventful at our house as I caught a nasty cold. I haven’t had a cold or flu in years, so I’m not happy with this! We spent New Year’s Eve at our neighbor’s house with several other couples, where I lost my voice during a round of Cranium. I still don’t have it back completely, but don’t really feel bad at this point.

And now on to the exciting news! Our surrogate went to the doctor on New Year’s Eve for a 4-D ultrasound to find out the sexes of the babies. They’re also sending us a DVD so we can see their faces and see them actually moving around. So the news is, we’ve got two boys! Nick and our surrogate both thought it was two boys, and I was expecting a boy and a girl. I’m not sure why I didn’t think about the possibility of two girls, but boys it is. We were hoping for one of each, but we’re happy with what we’ve got. So far we have one boy’s name picked out, but haven’t decided on the second. We’re planning on painting the nursery soon, now that we know we can go with a design for boys. The room next door to the nursery, currently a guest room, will become one of the boys’ rooms once we decide it’s time to split them up. It’s already a grey/blue color, so all we’ll need to do is get rid of the bed in that room. Neighbors down the street with 8 month old twins already split them up into separate rooms because one keeps the other one awake, so it’s hard to say when we’ll need the second room.

The next milestone will be testing for birth defects next week. I’m not too worried about it and don’t expect anything, but I would want to know well in advance of any issues and be prepared.

Happy New Year!

The Babies are Coming for a Visit (with our surrogate!)

Time for another update! Our surrogate will arrive in a week, so our babies will be in our home for the first time. She’s now in week 15, and we’ll soon find out the sexes. I’m not sure what we’ll do to entertain our surrogate, but she said she tires easily, so we’ll probably take things easy. She’ll attend a neighborhood Christmas party with us and meet all our friends and all the other kids/babies on our block.

Last week we went to Babies R Us and bought a double stroller and car seats. With so many brands and types, it can be confusing. I felt a little strange because the sales women would ignore me, assuming that I wasn’t a parent, since Nick was the first to talk to them. The store was way out in the suburbs where they’re probably not used to a “two daddies” situation. I think one of them figured it out though. I kept wondering if I should just blurt it out that we’re both the parents and wait for the reaction. Once the babies are with us, we’ll have to explain this to strangers over and over. I’m sure I’ll get used to the reactions in public. Hopefully most won’t be negative – or maybe I’m just over thinking this!

The nursery is still an empty room with a stroller in the middle. We first decided on a theme and thought about doing a mural on one wall, but I think we’re leaning toward something simpler. I researched “nursery colors” and muted tones are suggested to create a calm environment. We want to get the beds that grow from crib to twin bed, so it’s going to be expensive.

My mother called three months after our last call, just to see how I was doing. That hasn’t happened in 10 – 15 years! I wondered what she wanted, and eventually she got around to asking about the babies, the real reason for her call, I suspect. I guess my parents have had time to think about it and must want to be part of their lives on some level. It’ll be interesting to see how things turn out.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Nick brought home ten unisex outfits the other day and hung them in the nursery closet. I’m not sure why he bought them when we’re sure to get plenty of clothes at the baby shower next Spring, not to mention all the hand-me-downs we’re sure to get. On the one hand, I want to be prepared now, but then we need to see what gifts we receive first. We’re discussing furniture and a theme for the nursery, so I see painting in my future!

Last weekend I received a call from my parent’s house, so my first thought was that somebody died or was near death. My mom called, “just to see how you’re doing”, which is the first time I ever remember her calling just to ask about me. I hadn’t spoken to her since telling her about the babies in early September, when she told me this was “a sign of the end times”. Anyway, after about a half hour of her going on about herself and her church, she asked how the babies were doing. I suspect this was the real purpose of her call. Apparently, the realization of actually becoming a grandparent has made her happy after all.

I’m sure it’s not easy for my parents to be “out” about the babies. To my knowledge, no one else in the family knows I’m gay, so explaining grandchildren to other family members will require explaining my situation. We don’t have a large family and I’m not close to any aunts, uncles or cousins, so I never found it necessary to come out to other family members. I only see them at funerals and my parents made it clear they didn’t want the rest of the family to know. I could care less, but they’re the ones who interact with everyone else, so I let it go. It’ll be interesting to see how this evolves.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and we have plenty to be thankful for. We only have one guest coming for dinner, but we’ll probably have enough food to eat leftovers for the next week. I’m looking forward to four days off work, plenty of rest, and time spent with friends.