At Summer's End

Summer is coming to a close, although it’s still 90 degrees in Denver today. These pictures were taken at a nearby pool a couple weeks ago on a very hot afternoon. The boys still don’t want to go into deep water, but they have fun in the sprayers and the very shallow water. I can sit in the water to keep cool while keeping an eye on them playing, a great way to wear them out and spend a hot summer day. We just reapply sun block often.

The boys are growing and learning to talk, and have learned how to turn down 95% of the food presented to them at meal times. I guess that’s typical, but really, how many crust-less peanut butter and jelly samiches can two little boys eat? Guess we’ll find out. Reid is still ahead in language skills, and I’m surprised almost daily by the new things he says. He’s very observant and repeats as well as any trained parrot.

I’m starting a parenting class tomorrow evening that was recommended by neighbors. It’s a series of five two-hour classes, so I’ll see how it goes. I want so much for my boys, and want to be the best parent possible. I didn’t grow up around many kids since my family was small, and never had cousins with kids or really any point of reference as how to best deal with toddlers other than my memories of how I was raised. My parents were young when they had me, and I was spanked up until about age five. I remember once asking my mom to spank me instead of taking away my bike for a week for some infraction, and she told me no, that I was too big for spanking. At that point I realized that spanking was over with fast, but having privileges taken away hurt more. I was never hit or abused, just properly disciplined in my opinion. We’ve moved well into the discipline stage at this point, and Reid is very familiar with the “naughty spot”. I got that one from “Supernanny”. I’m curious to see how this class goes and what 21st Century parenting ideas they have. Maybe this will give me new blog material!

Full time work still evades me, although I had a quick contract job that I was able to do from home. My partner and I have decided to turn this work I’ve done into a business, so we started a corporation and have a website close to being complete. Neither one of us has ever done this before, but Nick seems very motivated and has the sales talent and connections. If this works out, it could be the perfect solution for us both. Otherwise, I’m continuing with my volunteer work and being a full-time papa.

I’m never thrilled about the changes this time of year from shorts and flip-flops to coats and socks. Winter can seem very isolating, and it’s so hard to endure the dark evenings. But this year the boys will probably have more fun with Halloween and Christmas. I dug through their clothes the other day and they don’t have a single pair of long pants that fit, or even a coat that fits. I picked up a couple pairs of Winter pajamas the other day, but we really need to do some clothes shopping. It takes all four of us together to go find clothes that fit. Like typical boys, they seem to not like trying on clothes. I haven’t figured out what they’ll be for Halloween, but they still keep dragging out their monkey costumes from last year and squeezing into them. Guess we got our money’s worth on those costumes! There is a bright side this Winter. The Farmer’s Almanac says it’s supposed to be warmer and drier than normal, so maybe we’ll still get lots of playground time after all.

This and That

I know, it's been a while! Summer is busy, and I feel like every moment of every day is consumed.

Nick gave me air miles to take a needed break, so I spent five days back in California visiting old friends and neighbors. The best part... I got to sleep nine hours each night! It seemed odd to be carefree and off schedule, but I enjoyed the time away.

My unemployment benefits stopped a month ago, but they're supposed to start back up since Congress finally passed the latest extension. They really keep you in the dark on these benefits, and I didn't even know I was at the end of my first extension. I know people who have been on unemployment for two years, so I was a little surprised to have benefits stop after only nine months. Anyway, my extension is good through sometime in November, and I'm guessing there probably won't be any more extensions, or at least won't count on it. The last resort will be to get the boys in some sort of daycare before November and I go register with every job agency in town and take any job I can get. The alternative would be financial ruin for me! I've had a couple good interviews recently, but neither one has resulted in a job offer yet. One was a Federal job, and they can take months to actually get the offer. I try to calm my anxiety and have faith that everything will fall into place, but no matter what happens, there will be huge adjustments. Getting back into spending my days at work sounds daunting, although I think I need the mental stimulation. Putting the boys in daycare is another worry for me and cause of anxiety. I hate the idea of it, but I know plenty of people who use daycare and everyone adjusts and survives.

The boys keep growing, learning, fighting, and surprising me . Reid is saying new things almost daily, and Dylan finally started spouting off words here and there. The nice thing is that they can ask for things once in a while rather than crying and whining. We're working on ABCs and numbers too. Reid still gets into everything, and every time he makes another mess, I wonder when he'll grow out of this.

It's been hot here, so outdoor activities have been limited to evenings for the most part. We've been to museums and a few indoor activities, and tomorrow, we're riding the rails. They love trains, and loved the little train at the zoo, so tomorrow morning we're taking the light rail train out to a suburban mall. I think they'll enjoy riding a real train, and it's cheap entertainment!

One thing I've noticed in our neighborhood is that many of the stay at home moms seem to have their cliques, and I don't fit into them. I'm not taking offense to that, but being a gay stay at home parent can be rather lonely at times. Really, what do I have in common with these women, outside of parenting? I've been meaning to reach out to our gay dad friends to get together because it just seems more natural to be around them. When you're dealing with two-year-old twins, time seems to get away and it's easy to end up not being very social. I think I've become a bit depressed, partially due to the job situation, but also just feeling lonely, so I need to make more effort to schedule social time of some sort.

The boys like the pool, but they love the fountains at a nearby park more, so that's another evening activity we've taken up for hot nights. The weekend before last, our air conditioner went out and it was over 100 degrees, so we had to find some way to cool down. I'd forgotten about these fountains that were installed just for the purpose of play.

Summer is Finally Here

May has been a busy month, and it still isn't winding down! My parents were here last weekend, then headed up to the mountains for the week, and will be back for Memorial Day weekend. Their visit went well and they really seemed to enjoy the boys and all the silly things they do. Two weekends ago was our neighborhood block party, which was mostly work for me. Nick was out of town for work, so watching the boys alone at the party was a little nerve-wracking! They had a petting zoo, jumpy castle, train rides, a DJ, and lots of food. Many things for little boys to get into. Then last weekend we had a one year birthday party for a neighbor, and like all one-year-old parties around here, it quite the soiree. This Sunday is yet another party in the park that neighbors are hosting, a three year old birthday party, and keeping my parents occupied. Our neighborhood swimming pool opens up too, so it could be a busy weekend. Maybe June will be a little less crazy.

Nick has someone coming tomorrow to start the boys on piano lessons. I took lessons for a couple years, but the saxophone was my specialty, and I played all the way up to college in different bands. But I'm curious to see what can be taught to two-year-olds. So far, they have pounding on the keyboard down quite well! We also have a neighborhood soccer class that takes kids from 18 months, so we may try that too. Dylan definitely seems more interested in kicking a soccer ball and playing catch, but we may let them both try it to see if they like it.

No more Modern Family, Brothers and Sisters, or Desperate Housewives for a while. I guess we're supposed to be outside at the playground in the evening this time of year and not watching television. True Blood starts up again next month and Nick got me hooked on that one. I think we'll have to DVR True Blood and watch it after the boys go to sleep. They're getting to that age where we're going to have to figure out how to use the parental controls and block channels. We get every channel satellite TV offers, so I'm sure something will need to be blocked eventually.

Also on my agenda is potty training, at least for Reid. I really have no clue what to do here, and from what I've heard, no one else does either. You just try different things and see what works. But Reid has started grabbing his diaper and saying "yuk", and then took off his diaper twice in the past week to pee on the floor. Although it just seems wrong to me, at the advice of neighbors, we've shown them "how to pee in the potty" a few times. I suppose this makes sense. How else would they know how to go? We got a potty that hooks onto the regular toilet with a step for them to get up. Reid peed in the toilet after lunch today and got lots of praise and a sticker. Dylan seemed baffled by what was going on and kept going back to look in the toilet. I've heard that with twins, one will become potty trained and then the other one usually follows, not wanting to be left out. I've tried Dylan on the toilet and he just cries, as if something horrible were happening to him. I've dreaded potty training since they were born, but I suppose my motivation is that I'm spending at least $75 a month on diapers. This should be interesting.

This is my favorite picture from the photo shoot I did with the boys three weeks ago. Since Nick turned 40 a few days after the boys' birthday, I hired a photographer and did a photo shoot as a present for him. I bought a nice frame that's actually many connected frames and put all my favorites in it to create a nice piece of artwork that's now in the entry hall. Nick seemed to really like it and appreciate all the work that went into it. The boys' birthday was exhausting, but they had fun. Plus, after they blew out their candles, I surprised Nick with his 40th cake. I don't think he was expecting that, but I figured there was no sense in inviting 60 people back a few days later.

I had a great interview with four people for a job, but in the end, no job. The recruiter told me that two of the interviewers wanted to hire me, but the other two thought my "energy level wasn't quite where they wanted it to be". Personally, I think that was a BS excuse. I was interviewed by two men and two women, and felt like I connected with the women and one of the men. The other man had the energy level of a doorknob, and the recruiter said the other man was one of the two who wanted to hire me. I have a feeling I was vetoed by the women for some other reason. Maybe they didn't want a man in the position? One of the women stressed that the company was very "family oriented". For a gay father, that can mean more than one thing. On the surface, it sounds great for someone like me who is family oriented. But then that can also be code for "anti-gay", so maybe it was best that I didn't get the job. I doubt they thought I was gay since I brought up having children. One of the men asked what I'd been doing during unemployment, so I mentioned staying at home with the boys and my volunteer work. He seemed impressed that I was home with the boys, but asked if my "wife was working". I just responded "yes". So what should I have said? Times are tough, and putting a gay stamp on my forehead probably wouldn't have helped any. Coming out in the workplace is always a difficult process since your livelihood depends on you job. I was semi-outed in my last job after the boys were born, and had no issues with anyone. I'd prefer to work somewhere gay friendly, but somehow I always seem to end up working with mostly conservative old people! It's just difficult to keep your personal life personal when you have kids.

Hopefully I'll get an unemployment extension the end of this month as I keep looking. I'm on my first extension right now, but they don't explain how the extensions work or how long you really have. It's been almost a year since I was laid off, so I'm a bit worried at this point. One year, 140 applications, two in-person interviews, and two phone interviews. Very discouraging!

A Busy Week

So I have a real, in-person job interview next Tuesday for a decent job that would pay a fair amount more than I was making with my last job. That's good news, and with the boys entering their "terrible twos", it might be a good thing to have them in daycare and let someone else deal with the tantrums for a while! Case in point, Dylan had a major meltdown in the middle of Albertsons today. A full-on, four-alarm tantrum with snot and tears all over his face. I have no clue what the tantrum was for, and I felt like an idiot trying to use the self checkout as fast as I could while people stared at us. Of course I had a bunch of produce to look up, and I left the two bottles of juice under the cart in the parking lot because I was so frazzled. Oh well, I had forgot to scan them, so I didn't pay for them.

If I get a job offer, we'll have to scramble to find daycare. That's problem number one. Problem number two is that I'll have to go through the misery of leaving them at daycare all day and feeling sad/guilty. I've heard from other parents about how they cried the first few times they left their toddlers at daycare. I'm just so used to them being with me all the time, but then they'll probably learn more at daycare than being with me. I've heard from other parents that their kids are usually exhausted after a day in daycare and sleep better too. I'm trying not to worry about all the change and emotion that will come with going back to work, but it's inevitable. And if that's not enough guilt, I'll feel guilty for leaving the dog home alone all day. She's getting old, and we'll either need a dog walker or one of us will have to come home to let her out at lunch. When I was working, I rarely took a relaxing lunch. I either came home to walk the dog, or went to the gym. Going back to work makes life so much more hectic. Finding the right daycare is important too. It needs to be convenient (easy for drop off and pick up), someplace we feel comfortable leaving the boys, and then the price has to be right. The closest daycare down the street wants $2800 a month for both of them! We're on the list at another daycare that's non-profit and would be $1600 a month, but it's out of the way, and although we're at the top of the waiting list, they don't have two openings for us right now.

This week has been stressful with so much work and preparation for the boys birthday party Sunday. My brother is flying in tomorrow, and then I have last minute errands. The weather definitely isn't cooperating as we're on day two of cold, overcast, rainy weather. It's not supposed to be sunny and warm until next Tuesday. Why can't winter just give up and move on? Spring weather at this altitude is crazy. Actually, the weather in Denver is crazy from about October to May with violent temperature swings. It was in the 80s last Wednesday, then only about 50 today. I suppose Summer makes up for it though, as it's extremely pleasant for about four months with low humidity and not many bugs. I'm just ready to put away the coats for good!

If I get this job, I suppose it's meant to be, and life will change again as we enter a new chapter. I've been getting better at living in the moment and taking things one day at a time, so moving back to the work world will be quite a challenge. Things always work out for us, so my worries are just pointless.

How Important Is Community for LGBT Parents?

I feel very fortunate to live where we live, in Denver, Colorado. We live in the actual city, not the suburbs, and have found our neighborhood, community, and city to be very accepting of LGBT parents and their children. According to American Community Survey, Denver ranks number 17 in the nation for percentage of gay residents at 8.8%. Not exactly San Francisco, but not bad either. It’s a liberal-leaning city with an active gay community. Although there is a “gay ghetto” in Denver, we don’t live in it. But our neighborhood, I would estimate, is well over 10% gay-owned homes. It’s also a great place to raise kids, and the majority of our neighbors have young children. We’re fortunate enough to be within 15 minutes of everything the city has to offer (restaurants, shopping, museums, parks, all sports venues, etc.) and have great public schools. Most of our neighbors with children are heterosexual couples, but they’re very accepting of us. I don’t remember the specific conversation I had with a neighbor’s six-year-old boy last year, but I do remember his response. “Uh… I know Dylan and Reid have two dads!”, as if he were insulted that I thought he didn’t understand our situation. Sometimes I can forget I’m gay living here since I’m in the same parenting boat as most of our neighbors, and they’re so accepting. For all these reasons, I love where we live. And since we have no family nearby, I’ve found it to be important to have such great neighbors, many of whom feel like family. In the absence of family or grandparent support, it can be very important for LGBT-headed families to build their own support groups. Trust me, the time will come when you need it!

I read “Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is” by Abigail Garner a couple years ago, a book I highly recommend to any gay or lesbian couples considering becoming parents. In her book, Garner showed how important community can be for gay couples raising children. Children who grew up in gay accepting communities had few, if any problems related to having gay parents, whereas children who grew up in more rural, conservative, non-accepting areas had the most issues with other children and other children’s parents. But as I recall, some of the kids she interviewed grew up in the ‘70s and ‘80s, so I’m curious if this is still much of an issue in 2010, as society has grown more accepting of the LGBT community in general.

We moved to Denver four years ago from a very conservative area of Southern California. We only knew two gay couples in our neighborhood, and although our neighbors were generally nice to us, no one ever asked us if we were a couple, or seemed comfortable discussing the fact that we were gay. A couple neighbors even made little comments that made me quite aware that they were anti-gay. When a few students at our local high school tried to create a “Gay/Straight Alliance”, it was met by outrage, protests, and negative media coverage. For this reason, among others, I didn’t want to raise children there. I’m sure there were gay parents raising children somewhere nearby, but it certainly wasn’t common. In our current neighborhood, we know many lesbian couples with children as well as a few gay couples with children. We had a gay couple nearby who went through the surrogacy process help us when we started the process, and now we’re doing the same for another couple. We even have an online gay parents group for our neighborhood.

Obviously many gay couples live in conservative areas, but it’s just not as big of a deal when it’s just the two of you. As a couple, you can pretty much keep to yourselves, and I think even in conservative areas, people tend to have a “live and let live” attitude. But once you have children, you can’t live in isolation. Your kids will eventually interact with neighbor kids, and you have to deal with the attitudes of your local schools and other parents.

So here’s my question to other gay and lesbian parents who are reading this.
-What type of community do you live in? Have you found the type of community you live in to be important for your family?
-Have you had issues with the schools and/or neighbors?
-And if you’ve had issues, how have you dealt with them?

I’m wondering if it’s just my perception that it would be bad for my children if we lived in conservative suburbs, or that we have it better living in a more accepting area. After all, it’s 2010 and times are changing. Obviously not all gay and lesbian parents are liberal, or want to live in a more urban environment. I’ve corresponded with a gay parent who was raising children in a very rural environment because that’s where he was comfortable living. And then it seems that most liberal, urban, gay-accepting communities tend to be expensive to live in, another drawback for families. If I had the time to research this subject, I think I’d find that gay couples are happily raising children in all types of communities across the U.S.

Twins are Turning Two!

The countdown has begun! We're planning Reid and Dylan's second birthday party coming up May 2nd, although their birthday is the 3rd, a Monday. Since they seem to love trains, we're going with a Thomas the Tank Engine theme, and rather than inviting 100 people, we've narrowed it down to only 70 this time. Only 70! We'll barbeque and have cake, and hopefully the boys will have a great time. They were thrilled the other day when we had to wait for a train to pass near our house, which always annoys me. But I suppose it was more fun seeing their smiles and listening to "choo, choo" for five minutes. Why is it that little boys are fascinated by trains and trucks?

May is going to be a busy month with the boys' birthday, Nick's 40th birthday, Mother's day, a baby shower... luckily I've budgeted for this several months ago. I have a secret birthday present for Nick that I won't reveal just yet. I had to get a little creative with my budget, but hopefully he'll like it since it involves a lot of work for me.

Back to television, I read an article the other day where Kirsty Alley said she really wants to be on Modern Family and play Cameron's mother. She'd be hysterical in that role! And I had totally forgotten about one of my other favorite shows, Brothers and Sisters. I was so happy that Scotty and Kevin's surrogate is pregnant! So far their experience has been very parallel to what we went through, except that we didn't use a friend for a surrogate. I really hope they have twins, because it would be funny to see what we went through on television. Another big first for television - a gay couple becoming parents through surrogacy. I know so many people who watch Brothers and Sisters, and some of them are conservative men, so maybe more groundbreaking television will change hearts and opinions.

Reid is here in the office with me, begging for the sidewalk chalk up on the shelf, so I guess I better get Dylan up from his nap and take them outside. Sidewalk chalk in the house, as we've discovered, isn't a good thing!

OK, I'll explain the photo above. This is what happens when certain little boys shove their Handy Manny tools into the slot in the fireplace where the heat comes out. It took us a while to figure out where that horrible smell was coming from !