Preparing for the Holidays

The holiday season is here, and we’re still tired! I thought the sleep depravation was supposed to end around four months, but I thought wrong. The boys are doing well and now over seven months old, with one at 20 pounds and the other near 18, but our little night owl still won’t sleep through the night. This is still the biggest challenge for us, as we never get a full night’s sleep. His latest thing is that he gets up for a bottle, and then refuses to go back to sleep. Getting up for two hours in the middle of the night has been so frustrating. I’ve spoken to other parents who say their babies never slept through the night until they were over a year old, so this could continue for quite some time. Last night I finally let him cry for about 15 minutes, and then he fell back to sleep. I’m not a fan of the “cry it out” method, but it seemed to be the only option, other than getting out toys and staying awake half the night.

On the positive side, it’s been fun buying and wrapping Christmas presents for them, and last week I took them to get their picture taken with Santa. They did very well and neither one cried. They even seemed to enjoy doing our Christmas shopping at the mall after the picture and liked all the attention they received from strangers.

Both boys are now mobile, which introduces a whole new set of challenges around the house. We have a two-story home, so we’re going to get baby gates for the stairs soon. They’ve also discovered the Christmas tree, and it’s as if they know all those colorful presents are for them. I don’t think they’ve figured out what “no” means, so we keep steering them away from the temptation! We also had to lower the mattresses in their cribs because it looked like they would soon be able to pull themselves over the rail.

I took the boys last month to get RSV shots – apparently twins are at greater risk, so they need to get shots once per month until Spring. This was my first time with them at the doctor when they got shots, and I felt so bad for them. As soon as that needle went in, you would think someone had hit them over the head. It took about ten minutes to calm them and wipe away the tears after the shots. Next week we’ll have to do it all over again. I remember as a child being terrified of the doctor and shots, so I can definitely sympathize with them.

Dinner time has become interesting now that they’re eating solid baby food. The bigger twin eats anything we give him with no problems while the smaller twin takes a little coaxing at times. I think we already know who our picky eater will be! I know some of our neighbors make their own baby food, like boiling and then mashing sweet potatoes. I’m going to ask for advice on this to find out what works best at this age.

I can’t wait for Christmas morning to see the excitement on their faces as they rip open their presents. They’re really into tearing paper now, so they may enjoy the process more than the toys.

Happy Holidays!

Happy Halloween

I’ve been so busy lately, but keep meaning to post an update. This month both Nick and I had to travel for work, one week each, so we’ve both had the opportunity to take care of the boys alone. I was gone first, and I worried about home, the boys, the dog, and whether Nick was going crazy with all the responsibility dumped on him. But I’ll admit I enjoyed the freedom too. I was able to go out to nice restaurants, hit the gym in the evening without hurrying, and then sleep nine hours each night at a Marriott. I especially enjoyed the uninterrupted sleep!

I really dreaded the following week when it was time for payback. But it turned out to not be so bad. I was fortunate enough to be able to work from home all that week, so I didn’t have to worry about getting ready in the morning while the boys were up, which is a difficult thing to do. Plus a friend in our neighborhood stopped by in the evening to help with feeding the boys, or just keeping them occupied while I walked the dog and ate my own dinner.

Next Monday the boys will be 6 months old! They’re getting big (one is 17 pounds now) but the smaller guy still won’t sleep through the night. The doctor said it’s ok to start letting him cry it out, and that we shouldn’t feed him in the middle of the night. That’s easier said than done. I just don’t like the idea of letting him cry, but I’ve heard it’s better to break the habit now rather than a year from now. Last night I had to go to the guest room in the basement because I couldn’t sleep with his crying. Nick said he was asleep in 15 minutes, but I tend to just be on edge when I know he’s in the next room and could cry at any moment. We’ll see how things go in the next week.

The boys are going out this evening as Superman (twin Supermen) and our neighborhood is having a baby parade for all those too young to trick-or-treat before it gets dark. They enjoy any attention and excitement, so I’m sure they’ll enjoy themselves.

The next step we’re getting close to is crawling- probably within the next two weeks. They’re already somewhat mobile, but not actually crawling. Their smiling faces, giggles, and accomplishments amaze me every day!

Four Month Checkup Time

The boys go in for their four month checkup later this week, but they seem healthy and normal to me. They’ve both begun the teething process, and I’ve asked moms on our block about this since I was clueless. The first thing I noticed was constant drooling, and then they both began sucking on their hands. Each boy has had a couple “bad days” where they seem very irritable, a lot of screaming and crying, etc. We give them these little pills that dissolve on their gums to numb them, then we have teething chew toys, and if all else fails, a little baby Tylenol. I didn’t know this, but the teeth don’t just pop through in a few days. They move up and down in the gums over a period of time before finally popping through, so it just comes and goes from day to day.

We took the boys swimming a couple weekends ago and they really seemed to enjoy it. I bought them swim trunks and special diapers for swimming, then strap on sunglasses. We took them to a kid’s pool in our development that has no deep end, and just held them and moved around in the water for about an hour. By their lack of screaming or crying, I assume they enjoyed it!

The larger twin is still sleeping through the night while the smaller one still gets up for a bottle around 3 a.m. every night! It’s certainly easier than during the first couple months, but I have to wonder when he’ll start sleeping through the night. We definitely see big differences in personality between them, with the larger twin being fairly laid back and independent, and the smaller being much more challenging! I’ve asked other parents if the personalities they saw in their babies translated to their personalities when older, and the answers vary, meaning their personalities could change. They’re definitely getting fun to play with as they now grab things and like direct interaction. One twin likes “peek-a-boo” and is catching on to “gimme five!” while the other shows no interest. It’s amazing how they’ve developed in such a short amount of time.

Educator on Surrogacy by Default

Here are a few dumb statements and questions I’ve encountered lately regarding our children:

Twice people have said the boys “look like their Daddy”, meaning my partner. Uh, then who do you think I am? My name’s on the birth certificate too. I know the people who said this were in no way meaning to disrespect me, but it made me feel like I’m nothing more than a babysitter. We’ve decided that we’ll both be called Daddy and they can add our first names to clarify if they’re talking to or about one of us in particular.

While getting professional pictures taken a couple weeks ago, the photographer finally looked at me and said, “So who are you? A friend of the family?” I just said, “No, I’m also a father”. I watched the wheels spinning in his head, then clarified that we’re a couple, we had them via surrogacy/egg donor, and then he apologized.

“So where’s the mother. Will she be involved in their lives?” I guess the concept of egg donor is off most people’s radar, so when this question has been asked, I just explain that there was an egg donor who plays no part in their lives or even knows of their existence.

“Did you adopt outside the country?” This has been asked of me when I’m out in public with the boys by myself. No, we’re not “Bradgelina”. I just say tell them that the boys are bi-racial and not adopted. Then they get it. A neighbor who’s white and has bi-racial (black and white) children told me she gets dumb questions like that too.

“Oh, so you’re both parents?” This requires explaining the legal process and how we’re both considered legal parents in all states and both listed on the birth certificates.

“Are you guys married?” Apparently the uninformed youth of today think gay people can marry in this country. I’ve been asked this on three occasions by people in their lower 20s. While it’s positive to find out that younger people think gay marriage is perfectly fine, it requires explaining that it’s legal only in two states, that other states don’t recognize those marriages, that a few other states offer domestic partnerships, and that our state offers neither. So next time it’s on the ballot, we need you to stop texting long enough to go VOTE!

At the time, some of these questions or statements seemed a little insulting or dumb, but then I realized that the average person has never encountered our situation. Becoming a parent this way makes you an educator on surrogacy by default. I don’t let it get to me. I don’t think there will ever be so many gay parents out there with children from surrogacy that it just becomes common knowledge, so we’ll most likely have to explain the situation over and over for many years. So far no one’s reacted negatively to me when I explain, so I find that very positive.

Three Months Old!

We’ve survived the first three months! The boys are now approaching 15 weeks in this world and things are settling down a bit. The first couple months were rough with the sleep depravation. Like other parents say, the first few months with a newborn are just a blur. I lost ten pounds initially, but have gained back most of it and have been making it to the gym two or three times per week. I think I often just forgot to eat those first few weeks, or by 9:00 p.m., realized I hadn’t eaten, but was too tired to eat. We each had to care for one baby every night, which meant getting up every hour and a half to two hours, so there were nights where I didn’t get much more than four hours sleep. People say to “sleep when the baby sleeps”, but with twins, it seems like they rarely were sleeping at the same time. Plus we didn’t have the advantage of being able to stay home from work for three months, nor did we have any family help, so that added to the stress.

It’s nice to have other twin parents around for support. It’s very stressful on the parents and there were a few “disagreements” here and there. I think we were both doing so much work and so tired that we each, at some point, began to think the other person wasn’t pulling his weight. Other twin parents say they went through the same thing during the first few months, so it’s comforting to know we aren’t unusual. We’ve settled into a routine now so life is a lot calmer.

The boys are getting bigger, having more than doubled in weight since birth. One is over 13 pounds, the other around 12. The larger twin is sleeping through the night many nights from around 8:30 p.m. to 7 a.m. The smaller guy, not so much. He’s up once for a feeding around 2 a.m. and then up again around 6 a.m., but this is still much better than when he was up at least four times a night!

In the beginning, it was just survival mode. You feed and change them, they sleep or scream. So much work with no real feedback from them. I remember the first time one of them smiled big at me, my heart just melted! Now I can coax a smile out of them almost anytime I want. They seem to be recognizing us too. The other day I came home from work and one of them saw me and smiled. After work I spend time with them, talking or even reading a book to them. They love this and will coo and babble back at me. They have physical time too where they sit in bouncy chairs and kick their legs, building up muscles for crawling. They really seem to want to crawl, and both of them can move around a bit. I can see it won’t be long until they’re crawling all over the place. With the recent interaction and time to stop and appreciate them (as opposed to the “survival mode” times), I’m beginning to feel like a father and have completely fallen in love with my children. It’s a feeling I never could have imagined, that two little human beings rely on us for everything and feel comfort in our arms.

It’s still a strange feeling out in public when I have the boys, knowing that other people see me and know I’m a parent. People have told me that parents always worry, and now I worry too. I see little glimpses of their personalities and wonder what they’ll be like when they’re older. One is more easy going and focused (he can happily watch the ceiling fan for a half hour) while the other requires more attention and seems less focused. I never want them to experience pain or anything bad in life, but I know I can’t control that and we all experience pain at some point. They’re so innocent and perfect, but next year, we’ll need to start the discipline process when they begin to lose a little of that innocence. I see other parents in our neighborhood making that transition right now and it seems to require a bit of mental gear shifting on the parents’ part to move from only care to care and discipline.

My hopes and dreams for our sons are not that they’ll be rich or famous, or that they’ll be doctors or sports stars, but that they’ll be happy. I’m not concerned that they choose certain career paths, or even go to college, although we’ll certainly steer them toward college. I just want them to be capable of having healthy relationships with others and I want to help them discover their strengths and use those strengths to their advantage. If I had understood that 25 years ago, I could have avoided much trial and error in my own career path. I also want them to be strong, have a positive self image, and to love and allow themselves to be loved. These are the things I’ve been thinking about, and then how my own actions will guide them down this path.
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There's No Closet for Gay Parents

Life has taken quite a turn recently with the birth of our two boys in all the expected ways – sleep depravation, middle-of-the-night feedings, juggling baby feeding with household chores, etc. All the typical things you’d expect a couple to experience upon the birth of their first child or children. But being a gay parent, there’s been another big change – coming out, again, and again, and again!

Many years ago I went through the “coming out” process in college – first to myself, then friends, and family. It was scary, difficult, and often liberating. But since that process in 1993, only rarely do I tell anyone I’m gay. Probably because anyone I think it’s important to already knows I’m gay. But when you become a same sex parents, you’re suddenly forced into the process in a whole new way. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve come out to in the past month, simply out of necessity.

Upon arrival at the hospital shortly after the twins’ birth, I had to explain to the security guard that I too, was a parent. Then I explained my situation to the women working in the nursery and other hospital staff when necessary. The hospital was used to same sex couples and the surrogacy process, so it really wasn’t a big deal. That Sunday when the boys were released and we left the hospital, our first stop was Target where I first realized how many people newborn twins attract. People just came up to see the babies and then looked at us and asked questions. Here I was in a Target in San Diego explaining to strangers that I was a gay parent! Then the same situation in a restaurant, in the airport on the way home, to the person sitting next to me on the plane… the “outings” just go on and on.

Back home, neighbors from blocks away, who I didn’t even know, would stop to see the babies when I was out walking with them in the stroller and then would ask about my “wife”, so again, I’ve had to explain the situation. Our pediatrician is great and everyone in the office seems to enjoy us and the boys – even commenting that they’re lucky to have us as parents. The biggest outing, however, has been at work!

I’ve never lied about being gay in the workplace, but then I don’t announce it either. I think this is the approach most gay people use, especially when they don’t work in a gay-friendly industry. I skirted the issue with coworkers and my boss when I had to explain in recent months that I was going to become a father and needed three weeks off work. While at home on vacation with the twins, I checked my work e-mail daily and received an e-mail from our administrative assistant, who I only knew casually. She asked if I was on extended leave because someone had asked about my empty desk, so I told her I was home with newborns. She asked for a picture, I sent one, and the next thing I knew, the Senior Vice President in our facility wanted to know my address and “wife’s name” to send us a card! I e-mailed back with an explanation, outed myself, and so far have suffered no negative consequences. The Vice President congratulated me in person once I returned to work, so I’ve been pleasantly surprised. I guess being outed in the workplace is something many gay people dread because even if your coworkers are fine with it, bosses and coworkers change over time and you never know if your next boss will be a homophobe who works on getting rid of you from the day he or she starts work. Being out at work can also work against you on promotions to other positions as well, if a hiring manager is anti-gay. You just never know, but so far I’m feeling fine with it.

I knew becoming a parent would require being out – way out! So far we haven’t receive a single negative comment from anyone about being parents, although I think I constantly have my guard up to some extent. But the process of explaining our situation and coming out will happen again and again as we raise our boys – from people in stores to teachers and neighbors. I might as well get used to coming out, because there’s no hiding now. If anything, the process has taught me that our society has come a long way in accepting gay people, and if people do have issues with two men being parents, they at least have the decency to keep their opinions to themselves. I think our boys were born at a very exciting time in history!

The First Three Weeks - Life Has Changed!

Tomorrow will mark the third week since our sons were born, and it’s been quite a wild time! The boys have gained weight, although one is still smaller than the other and requires more frequent feedings. It’s almost frightening how fast life changed on the evening of May 5th when we first walked into our home with the newborns.

We were both off work for two full weeks and I had part of this week off. We hired a nanny who started last Monday, but I wanted to spend some time with her in the house to help her adjust and learn where things were located, as well as to evaluate her and how she interacted with the twins. She seems very attentive with the boys and keeps the house in decent shape, so we’re feeling comfortable with her.

The biggest change in our lives seems to be that neither of us can just do what we want, whenever we want. Simply going for a walk requires a conversation to make sure one of us is on baby duty. Then there is the intense exhaustion from both lack of sleep and from being so busy all day. We live in a two-story house and I think I run up and down the stairs at least 25 times per day! There’s always something to be doing – loads of laundry, cleaning out the diaper pail, cleaning bottles, preparing bottles, feeding, changing, bathing, rocking babies, cleaning the house, maintaining the yard, and if everything is done and the babies are happy, the house is reasonably clean, and the dog is walked, then I need to be sleeping!

Lucky for me, I’m not much of a “sit still” type of person. Neighbors have already commented that our yard looks too nice and the house is too clean for having newborn twins, but I guess I’m just good at keeping things up. It’s amazing what I can accomplish in a half hour while the boys are asleep. I’m making it to the gym three days per week, not as often as before, but still pretty good, considering my schedule. But the absolute hardest part of parenting newborn twins is nighttime. I find it very difficult to get up and feed/burp/change a baby. Mostly the second time is most difficult, so once they’re down to one feeding per night, life will seem much easier. We started out with both babies in bed with us, and soon found out that didn’t work well. We were up most of the night! Other twin parents suggested what worked for them – each parent takes a baby to a different bedroom and is responsible for only one of them all night. I’ve found that if I’m in bed by 9 p.m., I can get in about six and a half hours sleep by 5 a.m. when I need to get up. People with one baby have it easy – you could simply trade nights taking care of the baby and get a full night’s sleep every other night. But with twins, it’s too much work for one person to take them both all night. Everyone keeps telling us, things get easier and the time passes quickly and soon they’ll be sleeping through the night - although I’ve heard a few horror stories about children who didn’t sleep through the night until age two.

I think I’m still in the bonding stage with the twins this week. Women who carry their child seem to be bonded by the time birth occurs, but in my case, it seem to be happening post birth. One thing I’ve felt is that there is no feedback from the twins at this age, and other parents have confirmed they had the same feeling. Not that it’s expected by any means, but you put so much work and effort into nurturing the little guys and they just look back at you like they don’t know you. I’m looking forward to that first grin or smile, the first little hug, or any sign that I’m recognized and loved. I know it’ll happen soon enough and be worth every ounce of effort!

This morning I hated to leave them at home when I left for work, even though work seems like a break at this point. But I can tell I’m falling in love with the little guys and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them. Their eyes are open more now and I get lost in those beautiful little pools of brown. I keep wondering what it’ll be like to play ball with them in the park, to read to them, or help them explore and learn. Everyone says to appreciate them when they’re so young and tiny, because it goes by fast and you can never go back to that innocent stage. I’m trying to focus on living in the present and being where I need to be right now for the babies. Every new day brings so much work and challenge, worrying about next week, next month or next year is overwhelming, so I’m finding living in the present to be easier than ever.