2 Dads 2 Be

Independence Days

2011-08-04T13:47:00.003-06:00

Why is it that every August, it seems like we try to push Summer aside and move on to Winter so fast? We still have a good ten weeks before the first frost, yet the stores are all about back to school, and I’ve already seen Halloween candy on shelves! Summer is my season, so I like to pretend like it will never end.

Our Summer has been fairly uneventful so far. The boys enjoyed fireworks on the 4th of July and participated in the neighborhood wagon/bike parade in 100 degree heat while parents hovered in the shade. We were going to take the boys to a fireworks display, but some of the neighbors on our block had illegal fireworks, so we just joined in on that fun. Thinking back to my own childhood, if given the choice of a beautiful fireworks display or blowing up crap in front of my house while stuffing my face with s’mores, I would have chosen the latter! They had fun, and no police showed up, so the 4th was a success.

It’s been hot here in Denver, but not as bad as everywhere east of here under the “heat dome”. Mostly it’s been in the mid 90s, and still is, but without oppressive humidity, it’s not so bad. We sold all the baby stuff at our annual neighborhood garage sale and made a decent amount of money. I can do cartwheels in the storage room once again (well, if I could do cartwheels) without the high chairs, double stroller, and whatever other baby etcetera was cluttering the place up. Getting rid of crap pleases me!

The boys school goes on camp mode in Summer, so that means a different theme every two weeks with “splash day” every Wednesday (they play in sprinklers and have numerous water tables set out) and picnics every Friday. The session on the solar system fascinated them and they would come home talking about planets and rockets. This week is dinosaurs, equally fascinating for them. I was impressed when Dylan showed me one picture on the wall at school (out of many) and correctly identified it as a T-Rex. Maybe this pre-preschool learning is really paying off! In three weeks, they’ll go back to school mode with more of a classroom setting.

I recently met another gay couple in our neighborhood who has 18 month old twins from surrogacy. They heard our neighborhood was great for gay parenting, and say it’s lived up to their expectations. Our gay couple friends down the street had their baby shower a couple weeks ago and their babies are due in late September. I remember our baby shower so vividly… sort of the calm before the storm. At the baby shower I met a woman who has adult twins, so she was interested in talking to me about our twins. She asked how old they were and when I said three, she said, “So you’re just leaving the dark forest”. I knew exactly what she meant! I know so many parents of multiples and it really is three years of hell. Fun, love, and hell! I’ve heard people say they want twins and think it sounds like fun. Mmmm… not really, unless you have a ton of help and lots of money, or just don’t require any sleep or personal time. But things are so much easier now. Taking both of them to the store or just getting out the door and into the car is much easier now. The other day they were playing in the water outside and when they came in, I was starting dinner. They wanted dry clothes so I told them to go upstairs, take off their wet clothes, find something dry and put it on. No supervision. And they did it. They came downstairs in matching outfits, although the shirts were long-sleeved and Reid’s shirt was on backwards, but they actually did it. Milestones like this are exciting. And they love coloring, a great way to keep them occupied while we make dinner or clean house. They’ll color for an hour with little supervision. I think my stress levels are coming down as the boys gain their independence.

And here is a picture of Reid, post surgery. Yesterday he had his tonsils removed. He was so excited, at least up until he realized what was really going down. He was quite proud of the band-aid he received, but is still home resting. I feel sorry for him because I remember having my tonsils removed when I was four. It really hurt, and ice cream didn’t make it all better! My parents will be back to visit in a couple weeks before they head to the mountains. I’m supposed to be taking the boys up to visit them at their rented condo to take them on some mountain train ride. I’m sure the scenery will be spectacular and the boys will be thrilled.

Gay Parenting: Under the Spotlight

2011-06-14T09:21:00.006-06:00

Sometimes I think there’s more pressure on gay couples to produce well-behaved, perfect children. Of course there are no perfect children, or parents. But in the back of my mind, I think people are taking a closer look at our family just to see if two men really can raise children together. I suppose my thought is that if my kids turn our horrible, people will be thinking, “See, that’s why a gay couple shouldn’t be raising kids.” Or maybe it’s just my own personal paranoia that makes me think this!

As parents, we don’t get a grade card every six months to rate our parenting skills. So when someone tells you you’re doing a great job, it’s a special moment. Last Saturday we were at a first birthday party when one of our neighbors told me that she couldn’t believe how big Dylan and Reid had become, and that she thought they were very well behaved. I could tell she was being genuine when she said, “No, really, you guys are doing a great job”. Just that one comment made me proud – proud of the boys, and proud of us, as a couple.

Last Fall I took a Love and Logic parenting class. One of the main things I took away from that class was to be consistent, and to never reward negative behavior. For instance, the other day at the park, Reid wanted a toy I had and he tried to grab it from me. Then he started whining and crying. For a split second, I thought about handing it to him just to stop the crying. But I didn’t, because as I’m sure any parent knows, that would teach him that whining and crying leads to him getting his way which in turn would lead to more whining and crying episodes. Giving in is the easy way out when parenting. I think it’s really about teaching them self control, and that we don’t always get what we want in life. The earlier they learn these two things, the easier life will be for the four of us further down the road. Of course there are many other aspects to good parenting, but I think we’ve been very consistent and it seems to be paying off.

I’m far from a perfect parent. Just this morning on the way to school, one of the boys yelled at a truck that passed us. He was copying my behavior from last week when I yelled at a truck that was in my way while we were in a hurry. Not a huge deal, but it made me realize how much they’re watching me, and how my behavior directly affects theirs. But at least I’m smart enough to recognize these things and I try to monitor my own behavior around them.

There seems to be little research done on the children of gay parents where a gay couple set out to become parents. Most research has focused on children where a parent came out later in life and their parents split up. A 2010 study by Nanette Gartrell, Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California, and Henry Bos, a behavioral scientist at the University of Amsterdam, focused on children born to lesbian couples. They had expected to find little difference in these children compared to those born to heterosexual couples. But they found that the children raised by lesbian couples scored higher on some levels of psychological competency and had lower levels of behavioral problems. The study suggested that in the children they followed, their lesbian mothers were very involved in their lives, very present, and had good communication with their children. This study is ongoing and will also present data on children raised by gay male couples as well. You can read the entire study here:

http://www.nllfs.org/images/uploads/pdf/NLLFS-adolescents-donor-2010.pdf

My guess is that most gay and lesbian couples are probably older when they have children, and probably more likely to be college educated. That’s only based on the gay and lesbian parents I personally know, but considering the expense, you probably won’t find many 20 year olds who can afford something like surrogacy. I’ve read studies that show children who are born to older parents tend to do better in life as well. My daily parenting goal is to just be the best parent I’m capable of being. I screw up from time to time, but every day is a new chance to do things better. I want my boys to grow up to be honest, strong, and well-adjusted men who are capable of greatness. The real pressure is my love for the boys, and my desire to see them succeed. But it was comforting to hear from someone else that overall, we’re doing a great job.

And for anyone who has read all the way back to my first post where I mentioned how much I hated cluttered refrigerators, here’s what our refrigerator looks like today. I guess I’ve just accepted it as looking “homey”!

The Busy Month of May

2011-05-29T16:06:00.005-06:00

Easter, Mother’s Day, the boy’s birthday, Nick’s birthday, and two family visits, all in the course of three weeks. We’ve been busy! But lucky me, I'm getting six days and nights of quiet and rest. Nick took the boys to Florida to visit his grandmother, so I'm home alone with our dog Bella. This is the first time since they were born that I've been home alone. While I miss them all, it's a nice break. Bella seems to enjoy the peace and I'm giving her extra attention.

The big event this month was of course the boys third birthday. This year we opted for a trip to the Children’s Museum and cake and presents at home afterward. We decided not to invite the entire neighborhood over again. It’s too much work, and then you get invited to every kid’s birthday party in the neighborhood for the rest of the year, so we went the simpler route. My brother was here the weekend before their birthday when we celebrated, then my parents were here the weekend after.

Dylan and Reid knew it was their birthday, which really made it more fun. I think my family enjoyed them more too since they’re able to communicate, and the boys know who Grandma, Grandpa, and Uncle Jon are. The big present was a water/sand table, which they love and I hate. I hate it because of the obvious reason – they drag sand into the house and all over the patio. They also like their super soaker squirt guns, but the Legos and Lincoln Logs just seem to end up all over the place. I recall being a little boy who sat quietly in the basement, alone for hours, building things with my Legos. I guess I was older though. Reid seems to think the fun of these toys, as well as puzzles, is just dumping them out onto the floor.

I think we’re officially on sugar detox after all the cake and Easter candy. I quietly put the Easter baskets back in the storage room last weekend after the boys went to sleep. I’ve gotta look good in board shorts for the pool, so no more candy! We still have food in the house like Oreos and Pop Tarts – things I would never buy for myself. I’ve turned the boys on to fat-free sorbet for desert which they seem to like, and it’s healthier for Papa.

Our neighbors who have a surrogate pregnant with twins came over Saturday night for a little guidance. They have five months until birth, so it’s about that time to start preparing. I think they know more about babies than I did prior to parenthood, but we were explaining the routine we had the first year while trying not to scare them. Our nanny we used prior to me being laid off will be available this Fall, so they may end up using her. I don’t know if I mentioned her before, but she’s a skinny, short Chinese woman in her ‘60s. She was a great nanny and funny too – very conscientious, good with the boys, and kept the house clean. I asked her why she wanted to be a nanny for a gay couple and she said because she likes gay men, and because women are “too much drama”. Only in our neighborhood could she keep finding gay couples to nanny for!

2011-04-20T11:01:00.003-06:00

So you thought this blog was dead, didn’t you? Life is just extremely busy with work. The boys are doing great, talking more every day and they seem to have changed from toddlers to children. They’re also in soccer lessons on Saturday mornings and just finished their second round of swimming lessons. We have less crying, and not many tantrums these days. Last Summer I thought I was going to lose my mind with the screaming, crying, and tantrums. I don’t know if it’s the school, or if they’ve just moved a little beyond the “terrible twos”, but life has definitely calmed down. They get loud and run around, scream (happy screaming) and play, but I can deal with that. It just seems like things are much easier these days.

They’re excited about their birthday, which is in two weeks. I told them Easter was coming first, and I was surprised they remembered the candy and eggs from last Easter. I guess when you’re almost three, you remember when someone’s supposed to give you lots of candy. I doubt if we’ll drag them to any of the Holy Week services, but they do like going to church on Sundays. I already bought everything for their Easter baskets, but still need to get Easter outfits. Then I was just thinking the other day about the whole egg dying ritual. So we dye the eggs, leave them out in the baskets, and then the Easter Bunny mysteriously gets into the house and hides the eggs, if I remember correctly. Santa Clause seems believable at age three, but a bunny who hides eggs? I need to Google this and figure out what the point is! We’re also having a neighborhood egg hunt in the park across the street, plus an egg hunt at the boys’ school. This means lots of candy to beg for and fight over!

Speaking of gay dads with twins (we were?), a gay couple on our block (friends of ours) now has a surrogate pregnant with twins. This will be the 8th set of twins on our street. We helped them out when they began the process, just as another couple in our neighborhood did for us. We heard another gay couple with twins moved in about three blocks from us, across from friends of ours who adopted two brothers. Something crazy is going on in our ‘hood!

My job is going well, although I’m still not a permanent employee, but on contract. My contract has been extended through the year and I suspect I’ll end up as a permanent employee before the year’s over. What I love about this place is how gay friendly it is. I’ve been 100% out from day one on the job, and it’s very refreshing. My boss is gay, they have a gay employee’s organization and all references to spouses include “domestic partner”. This place is so gay, and I mean that in the good way.

I suppose this post is all over the place, so I’ll throw in an odd story from a couple weeks ago. I took the boys to Target because we were almost out of toilet paper. I generally try to avoid taking them to the store since it’s just stressful with both of them, but Nick was gone and I had to do it. So Reid started throwing a tantrum just as we got into the store, and I almost turned around and left. But we really needed toilet paper, so I put him into the basket seat, strapped him in, picked up his shoes (he kicked them off) and pressed on, trying to ignore his rage. Reid doesn’t have tantrums often these days, but when he does, he makes it worth his time. People were looking at us, but I figured within five minutes, he’d be done. Reid’s tantrums sound like he’s being stabbed with a knife, to give you an idea of the intensity. So we got to the toilet paper aisle and this 50-ish woman came running up to us. At first I thought it was some woman who thought she could help (this has happened before when I was trying to do the self check out at the grocery store and they were melting down), but she started asking Reid if I was his father. I told her I was their father, and she said, “No! I’m not talking to you!” Then she tried to take him out of the cart. My mind was just spinning, going from “ignore the meltdown” mode to “someone’s trying to take my child” mode. All I could say was, “Are you crazy lady??” Then some younger guy ran up and told her, “You can’t do this!” She responded, “I’m not on duty!” So she thought that I had kidnapped the boys and decided to be a hero. I told her to ask Dylan who his father was since he was calm, and he pointed to me and said, “That’s my papa”, so she retreated. I think what bothered me most was that this woman looked at me and thought I was a kidnapper. And really? I’m going to kidnap two little boys and then go shopping for toilet paper in Target? I guarantee this wouldn’t have happened if I were a woman who looked like my children!

But overall, things are going quite well for our family, and so far, 2011 is looking much better than 2010. Although winter hasn’t been too bad in Denver , I’m ready for Spring. The grass is green, the trees are getting leaves, and we’re having more evenings where the boys can go out to play after dinner. My brother and parents will be here in two weeks for a birthday celebration, although we haven’t figured out what this will be. Possibly a day at the zoo and Chuck-E-Cheese. We’ve decided against inviting over 100 of our closest friends and neighbors like the past two parties. I haven’t bought them any presents yet either, so more on my to-do list. Then Nick’s birthday is a week after the boys’, then Mother’s Day. I bleed money every May!

Oh, and you can tell by the picture, the boys have glasses now. They're disposable and we get a new pair every month. Or at least Dylan and Reid think they're disposable since they seem to keep breaking them.

Big Changes

2010-11-20T18:57:00.001-07:00

As the seasons seem to have changed the past week from warm to cooler weather, big changes have come to our family. I’ve finally found work, although it’s only an “open ended contract” and they can’t tell me how long it will go or whether it will become a permanent position. I’ll be a technical and marketing writer for a major healthcare insurance company. I think my unemployment benefits would end for good in January, so the timing is perfect. Some may say it’s luck, but I believe a higher power has intervened. Since daycare is so expensive for twins, and since Nick’s job reduced his pay by about 30% two years ago, I had to find work paying about 50% more than I was previously earning, and that’s exactly what this job pays. Coincidence? I don’t think it is. The odd thing is that my first day is next Monday, but I’m working from home. My new boss is supposed to send me work tomorrow, which seems very odd to me. After going through all the hassle and expense of getting the boys ready to start daycare, I really hope this works out. It’ll be great experience for me because the healthcare industry is a major hiring employer these days, and it’s difficult to break into the industry from outside.

We put the boys in a Montessori daycare, and they’ll be in a preschool environment with kids two to three years old. They seemed very excited to tour the school and see into the classrooms. They’ll be in separate classrooms which seems to be standard for twins. We both felt that it was really time for them to be in school based on their boredom and destructive behavior at home all day. Reid destroyed a large piece of artwork, a humidifier, and my checkbook all in one week recently! The school will potty train them, something I’ve been working on a little, but so far no success. Everyone I’ve talked to said that once kids go into daycare at this age, they see the other kids who are potty trained and want to do the same. So next Monday is our big day. Nick took the day off so he can observe them part of the day. I’m a little nervous about starting a job after all this time, but I need this too. At least we get to break in easy on a short week. I know I’ll miss them horribly, and they’ll miss me. Just the other day I was gone to the store and when I returned, they met me at the door, giving me hugs and kisses saying, “I miss you Papa!”

My parents are driving out for Thanksgiving and arriving Tuesday, so we have lots of preparations. I already put up the Christmas lights while it was warm to avoid the hassle once I’m working. Nick is preparing a full Turkey dinner and will probably make too much food as usual. The boys are getting excited and already have holidays confused since Christmas seems to precede Thanksgiving in the 21st Century. We went to a “Winter Welcome” last evening at our town center where they turned on all the lights and a huge Christmas tree, had a DJ, fire pits for s’mores, and lots of hot cocoa. Reid and Dylan danced around the tree among with all the other kids, thrilled by the lights.

I suppose I have a lot to be thankful for this year. A healthy family (my foot is healing remarkably fast according to the doctor), two beautiful boys, a loving partner, a wonderful home, good friends and neighbors, and a new job opportunity. I am truly blessed and thankful! Happy Thanksgiving!

So, You Broke Your Foot!

2010-11-02T13:58:00.003-06:00

Those are the words I received from the emergency room doctor 11 days ago. I’ve never broken a bone in my body, but I guess there’s a first time for everything. Did I break it scoring the winning goal in a soccer game? A bar-room brawl? A 50-yard dash? No, I ran up the stairs in our house. I somehow misjudged while taking two steps at a time. Just goes to show how fragile life (and feet) are.

Unfortunately for me, Nick was headed out of town the next day on a trip he had won through work, so there I was, alone with the boys for nine days with a throbbing, black and swollen foot. They told me to stay off of it for three days, keep it elevated, and use ice for the swelling. Of course none of those things happened. I go back later this week to see how it’s healing, so hopefully the boot they gave me to wear has done the trick. I couldn’t slow down at all, but in the past couple days the pain has disappeared, a good sign.

Nick didn’t get back until around 8 p.m. on Halloween, so it was all on me to take the boys trick-or-treating and then hand out 420 pieces of candy. Our neighborhood reminds me of my days of trick-or-treating back in the ‘70s before anyone was worried about razor blades in candy. I ran out of candy at 7:15 and could have probably handed out another 200 pieces. We had taken the boys to pick out costumes a couple weeks ago and Dylan chose Batman and Reid chose SuperWhy (he's a reading superhero on PBS weekday mornings). They practiced saying "trick-or-treat" for days, and knew that something was going down, although I don't think they knew exactly what. But it was fun to see them get so excited. After about two houses, they caught on fast and wanted to keep going to get more candy. It was a warm evening, so the boys and I handed out candy from the front porch after they were done trick-or-treating. But then they kept taking off, bothering the next door neighbors who were doing the same. It was stressful to keep up with them and make sure they didn’t get too far from me. But in the end, I suppose everything worked out and the boys understand what Halloween is all about. And they only ate candy for dinner, but I let them have fun.

Another thing that crossed my mind in the past week is how difficult it is to raise children with little to no help. Nick had called my parents, but it would have taken them several days to get here (my mother is incapable of leaving home without a full 20 days to plan and pack) and neither my father nor mother walks dogs, changes diapers, cooks, or cleans, so what would the point have been for them to bother coming here? I’ve still never met Nick’s mom, and she’s never been here to see her grandkids. All the neighbors were busy on Halloween, so really no one was able to help out. I just sucked it up and took it one day at a time.

I can’t believe it’s only three weeks until Thanksgiving. We’ll have no family here for the holiday, so I’m going to start checking around and see if our gay parent couple friends are interested in getting together. Holidays are much more fun with laughter, friends, and even more children.

One final note. I HAVE to watch Oprah today with Ricky Martin. I’m mostly curious to see how he deals with his twin boys. They were conceived in the same clinic as our boys, and at about the same time. I’m sure he has a nanny or two, but his story should be interesting.

Patience is a Virtue

2010-10-18T13:33:00.002-06:00

So how much patience do you have? Think you have what it takes to be a parent? I’ve never considered myself to be a patient person at all, so I have to be proud of myself this morning.

Reid had an appointment with an ENT specialist because of his ear infection and tonsil issue. He’s doing better after a week on antibiotics, but he doesn’t seem to be completely over it. I had to take both boys, so I was dreading this trip to a new doctor. I left early, expecting heavy traffic, plus I’ve never been to this particular doctor and wanted to allow time to find the place. Reid and Dylan were happy to be going somewhere in the car and did their “chair dancing” to music on the radio the whole way there. I was thinking they were in such a good mood, this just might turn out to be an easy doctor visit.

The boys ran toward the building, racing to the big blue button that they’ve figured out opens doors on every building. “C’mon Dylan”, Reid ordered. He’s become quite comfortable with ordering his brother around. We had to take the elevator, and I still have to wonder why every elevator has the alarm button down low enough for a two-year-old to reach. We just can’t ride an elevator without ringing the alarm! But then I was a little boy once, so I understand the fascination with buttons.

Nick had filled out all the paperwork online and printed it out, so all I had to do was sign in and wait. The woman called me over and asked for my ID to make a copy. Then she asked me, “Who are you? We need a relative here for this.” Nick had used his name on the paperwork as the father, but I had noticed my name in there somewhere too. “I’m the father”, I responded. Then she asked me who the other man was on the paper work. “He’s their other father,” I said. “Oh. OOOHHH!”, the lady said. Before I even thought, I told her, “It’s all very ‘Modern Family’”, and she laughed.

The boys found a toy in the corner and I sat down to wait with a magazine. Reid started to play with brochures, and I told him to leave them alone. “NO”, he said. So I took the brochure display and moved it up where he couldn’t reach them. And so it began, 40 minutes of the best kicking and screaming tantrum any two-year-old could muster. People in the waiting room were looking at me like, “OK, my life might really suck, but at least I’m not that guy over there with the screaming kid!” There was nothing I could do but shut my brain off. If I only had one kid, I could have taken him outside the office, but I had to stay with Dylan. I maintained my patience and tried to ignore the screaming, holding Reid the entire time. After about 20 minutes, we were called back to the exam room where he continued screaming. Surprisingly, he settled down for a hearing test (the woman was great with kids) and did fairly well after that. The doctor wants to see if the fluid goes away in his ears on its own in the next week, and if it doesn't, he'll need tubes put in. We'll be back for another round at this doctor's office.

I have no idea what Reid's problem was, or why my taking away brochures set off such a long tantrum, but that’s a two-year-old for you. Once we were done, Dylan decided it was his turn for a tantrum, apparently angry about his choice of stickers they offered him. He fell on the floor, pulled his shoes off and threw them across the waiting room. Luckily, Reid had stabilized by now, so I just put Dylan’s shoes in the diaper bag, picked up Dylan as he kicked and screamed (which isn’t easy because he’s now around 33 pounds) and headed for the elevator. Dylan’s fit was short and sweet, as he settled down to push the alarm in the elevator on the way down.

So the moral of the story is, patience can be learned. And must be learned when you’re the parent of two-year-old twins. Or maybe the moral is, two-year-olds and going out in public don’t mix!

A Trip to the ER

2010-10-10T14:58:00.004-06:00

It's been a loooong weekend. Reid has a double ear infection and Nick had to go out of town for a work. Poor Reid, whining and crying now for three days. It just kills me to see either of them in pain. Then I had noticed yesterday blood on his pillow. After his nap, more blood, and lots of blood in his mouth! Luckily our dentist lives nearby so I had her take a look. She could see his tonsils were inflamed and bloody and suggested going to the emergency room, so we spent the evening at the hospital. I think Reid was more scared than in pain, but he cried the whole time while we were waiting. It turned out that he has big tonsils and they were infected too, but since he's already on antibiotics, he just had to continue on the same course. The main concern was that he could have been reacting to the antibiotics, but that was ruled out. Hopefully he'll be better soon.

I was talking to a good friend of mine today from high school on the phone and she was telling me about how her son, who's in high school, may be pretending to be gay, or letting people think he's gay, just to "be cool". Wow, times sure have changed since I was in high school. Sometimes I worry about how my boys will be treated in school for having two dads, but then I forget that kids know a lot more these days, and it's not like they'll be the only kids with same sex parents. You hear the horrible stories recently about gay teens being taunted and bullied in the news, but I have to wonder if these aren't very isolated issues, or at least hope they're not the norm. I was never bullied in school, but then I wasn't out, and really didn't understand my own feelings at the time. I guess I was just sort of asexual through my teen years, so it wasn't an issue for me.

Fall is here, and today is gloomy, cool, and rainy. No frost yet, so the trees aren't turning much. Seems so strange that the season is changing, but time goes on. We haven't figured out what the boys will be for Halloween, but they seemed excited to help put up Fall decorations in the house and Halloween lights outside. Every time we go to the store, they get so excited when they see all the "punkins". They know something is up! The holidays should be a lot of fun for them this year. They know what candy is too, so I'm sure they'll catch on to trick-or-treating fast.

My parents are coming to visit later in the week, and possibly Nick's mother as well. Should be interesting if she comes since I've never met her and she's never met the boys. I think it's nice that my parents are coming every six months to visit so hopefully the boys will have some memory of grandparents.

At Summer's End

2010-09-14T14:00:00.005-06:00

Summer is coming to a close, although it’s still 90 degrees in Denver today. These pictures were taken at a nearby pool a couple weeks ago on a very hot afternoon. The boys still don’t want to go into deep water, but they have fun in the sprayers and the very shallow water. I can sit in the water to keep cool while keeping an eye on them playing, a great way to wear them out and spend a hot summer day. We just reapply sun block often.

The boys are growing and learning to talk, and have learned how to turn down 95% of the food presented to them at meal times. I guess that’s typical, but really, how many crust-less peanut butter and jelly samiches can two little boys eat? Guess we’ll find out. Reid is still ahead in language skills, and I’m surprised almost daily by the new things he says. He’s very observant and repeats as well as any trained parrot.

I’m starting a parenting class tomorrow evening that was recommended by neighbors. It’s a series of five two-hour classes, so I’ll see how it goes. I want so much for my boys, and want to be the best parent possible. I didn’t grow up around many kids since my family was small, and never had cousins with kids or really any point of reference as how to best deal with toddlers other than my memories of how I was raised. My parents were young when they had me, and I was spanked up until about age five. I remember once asking my mom to spank me instead of taking away my bike for a week for some infraction, and she told me no, that I was too big for spanking. At that point I realized that spanking was over with fast, but having privileges taken away hurt more. I was never hit or abused, just properly disciplined in my opinion. We’ve moved well into the discipline stage at this point, and Reid is very familiar with the “naughty spot”. I got that one from “Supernanny”. I’m curious to see how this class goes and what 21st Century parenting ideas they have. Maybe this will give me new blog material!

Full time work still evades me, although I had a quick contract job that I was able to do from home. My partner and I have decided to turn this work I’ve done into a business, so we started a corporation and have a website close to being complete. Neither one of us has ever done this before, but Nick seems very motivated and has the sales talent and connections. If this works out, it could be the perfect solution for us both. Otherwise, I’m continuing with my volunteer work and being a full-time papa.

I’m never thrilled about the changes this time of year from shorts and flip-flops to coats and socks. Winter can seem very isolating, and it’s so hard to endure the dark evenings. But this year the boys will probably have more fun with Halloween and Christmas. I dug through their clothes the other day and they don’t have a single pair of long pants that fit, or even a coat that fits. I picked up a couple pairs of Winter pajamas the other day, but we really need to do some clothes shopping. It takes all four of us together to go find clothes that fit. Like typical boys, they seem to not like trying on clothes. I haven’t figured out what they’ll be for Halloween, but they still keep dragging out their monkey costumes from last year and squeezing into them. Guess we got our money’s worth on those costumes! There is a bright side this Winter. The Farmer’s Almanac says it’s supposed to be warmer and drier than normal, so maybe we’ll still get lots of playground time after all.

This and That

2010-07-27T15:37:00.002-06:00

I know, it's been a while! Summer is busy, and I feel like every moment of every day is consumed.

Nick gave me air miles to take a needed break, so I spent five days back in California visiting old friends and neighbors. The best part... I got to sleep nine hours each night! It seemed odd to be carefree and off schedule, but I enjoyed the time away.

My unemployment benefits stopped a month ago, but they're supposed to start back up since Congress finally passed the latest extension. They really keep you in the dark on these benefits, and I didn't even know I was at the end of my first extension. I know people who have been on unemployment for two years, so I was a little surprised to have benefits stop after only nine months. Anyway, my extension is good through sometime in November, and I'm guessing there probably won't be any more extensions, or at least won't count on it. The last resort will be to get the boys in some sort of daycare before November and I go register with every job agency in town and take any job I can get. The alternative would be financial ruin for me! I've had a couple good interviews recently, but neither one has resulted in a job offer yet. One was a Federal job, and they can take months to actually get the offer. I try to calm my anxiety and have faith that everything will fall into place, but no matter what happens, there will be huge adjustments. Getting back into spending my days at work sounds daunting, although I think I need the mental stimulation. Putting the boys in daycare is another worry for me and cause of anxiety. I hate the idea of it, but I know plenty of people who use daycare and everyone adjusts and survives.

The boys keep growing, learning, fighting, and surprising me . Reid is saying new things almost daily, and Dylan finally started spouting off words here and there. The nice thing is that they can ask for things once in a while rather than crying and whining. We're working on ABCs and numbers too. Reid still gets into everything, and every time he makes another mess, I wonder when he'll grow out of this.

It's been hot here, so outdoor activities have been limited to evenings for the most part. We've been to museums and a few indoor activities, and tomorrow, we're riding the rails. They love trains, and loved the little train at the zoo, so tomorrow morning we're taking the light rail train out to a suburban mall. I think they'll enjoy riding a real train, and it's cheap entertainment!

One thing I've noticed in our neighborhood is that many of the stay at home moms seem to have their cliques, and I don't fit into them. I'm not taking offense to that, but being a gay stay at home parent can be rather lonely at times. Really, what do I have in common with these women, outside of parenting? I've been meaning to reach out to our gay dad friends to get together because it just seems more natural to be around them. When you're dealing with two-year-old twins, time seems to get away and it's easy to end up not being very social. I think I've become a bit depressed, partially due to the job situation, but also just feeling lonely, so I need to make more effort to schedule social time of some sort.

The boys like the pool, but they love the fountains at a nearby park more, so that's another evening activity we've taken up for hot nights. The weekend before last, our air conditioner went out and it was over 100 degrees, so we had to find some way to cool down. I'd forgotten about these fountains that were installed just for the purpose of play.

Summer is Finally Here

2010-05-25T13:59:00.003-06:00

May has been a busy month, and it still isn't winding down! My parents were here last weekend, then headed up to the mountains for the week, and will be back for Memorial Day weekend. Their visit went well and they really seemed to enjoy the boys and all the silly things they do. Two weekends ago was our neighborhood block party, which was mostly work for me. Nick was out of town for work, so watching the boys alone at the party was a little nerve-wracking! They had a petting zoo, jumpy castle, train rides, a DJ, and lots of food. Many things for little boys to get into. Then last weekend we had a one year birthday party for a neighbor, and like all one-year-old parties around here, it quite the soiree. This Sunday is yet another party in the park that neighbors are hosting, a three year old birthday party, and keeping my parents occupied. Our neighborhood swimming pool opens up too, so it could be a busy weekend. Maybe June will be a little less crazy.

Nick has someone coming tomorrow to start the boys on piano lessons. I took lessons for a couple years, but the saxophone was my specialty, and I played all the way up to college in different bands. But I'm curious to see what can be taught to two-year-olds. So far, they have pounding on the keyboard down quite well! We also have a neighborhood soccer class that takes kids from 18 months, so we may try that too. Dylan definitely seems more interested in kicking a soccer ball and playing catch, but we may let them both try it to see if they like it.

No more Modern Family, Brothers and Sisters, or Desperate Housewives for a while. I guess we're supposed to be outside at the playground in the evening this time of year and not watching television. True Blood starts up again next month and Nick got me hooked on that one. I think we'll have to DVR True Blood and watch it after the boys go to sleep. They're getting to that age where we're going to have to figure out how to use the parental controls and block channels. We get every channel satellite TV offers, so I'm sure something will need to be blocked eventually.

Also on my agenda is potty training, at least for Reid. I really have no clue what to do here, and from what I've heard, no one else does either. You just try different things and see what works. But Reid has started grabbing his diaper and saying "yuk", and then took off his diaper twice in the past week to pee on the floor. Although it just seems wrong to me, at the advice of neighbors, we've shown them "how to pee in the potty" a few times. I suppose this makes sense. How else would they know how to go? We got a potty that hooks onto the regular toilet with a step for them to get up. Reid peed in the toilet after lunch today and got lots of praise and a sticker. Dylan seemed baffled by what was going on and kept going back to look in the toilet. I've heard that with twins, one will become potty trained and then the other one usually follows, not wanting to be left out. I've tried Dylan on the toilet and he just cries, as if something horrible were happening to him. I've dreaded potty training since they were born, but I suppose my motivation is that I'm spending at least $75 a month on diapers. This should be interesting.

2010-05-14T15:29:00.002-06:00

This is my favorite picture from the photo shoot I did with the boys three weeks ago. Since Nick turned 40 a few days after the boys' birthday, I hired a photographer and did a photo shoot as a present for him. I bought a nice frame that's actually many connected frames and put all my favorites in it to create a nice piece of artwork that's now in the entry hall. Nick seemed to really like it and appreciate all the work that went into it. The boys' birthday was exhausting, but they had fun. Plus, after they blew out their candles, I surprised Nick with his 40th cake. I don't think he was expecting that, but I figured there was no sense in inviting 60 people back a few days later.

I had a great interview with four people for a job, but in the end, no job. The recruiter told me that two of the interviewers wanted to hire me, but the other two thought my "energy level wasn't quite where they wanted it to be". Personally, I think that was a BS excuse. I was interviewed by two men and two women, and felt like I connected with the women and one of the men. The other man had the energy level of a doorknob, and the recruiter said the other man was one of the two who wanted to hire me. I have a feeling I was vetoed by the women for some other reason. Maybe they didn't want a man in the position? One of the women stressed that the company was very "family oriented". For a gay father, that can mean more than one thing. On the surface, it sounds great for someone like me who is family oriented. But then that can also be code for "anti-gay", so maybe it was best that I didn't get the job. I doubt they thought I was gay since I brought up having children. One of the men asked what I'd been doing during unemployment, so I mentioned staying at home with the boys and my volunteer work. He seemed impressed that I was home with the boys, but asked if my "wife was working". I just responded "yes". So what should I have said? Times are tough, and putting a gay stamp on my forehead probably wouldn't have helped any. Coming out in the workplace is always a difficult process since your livelihood depends on you job. I was semi-outed in my last job after the boys were born, and had no issues with anyone. I'd prefer to work somewhere gay friendly, but somehow I always seem to end up working with mostly conservative old people! It's just difficult to keep your personal life personal when you have kids.

Hopefully I'll get an unemployment extension the end of this month as I keep looking. I'm on my first extension right now, but they don't explain how the extensions work or how long you really have. It's been almost a year since I was laid off, so I'm a bit worried at this point. One year, 140 applications, two in-person interviews, and two phone interviews. Very discouraging!

A Busy Week

2010-04-30T15:41:00.003-06:00

So I have a real, in-person job interview next Tuesday for a decent job that would pay a fair amount more than I was making with my last job. That's good news, and with the boys entering their "terrible twos", it might be a good thing to have them in daycare and let someone else deal with the tantrums for a while! Case in point, Dylan had a major meltdown in the middle of Albertsons today. A full-on, four-alarm tantrum with snot and tears all over his face. I have no clue what the tantrum was for, and I felt like an idiot trying to use the self checkout as fast as I could while people stared at us. Of course I had a bunch of produce to look up, and I left the two bottles of juice under the cart in the parking lot because I was so frazzled. Oh well, I had forgot to scan them, so I didn't pay for them.

If I get a job offer, we'll have to scramble to find daycare. That's problem number one. Problem number two is that I'll have to go through the misery of leaving them at daycare all day and feeling sad/guilty. I've heard from other parents about how they cried the first few times they left their toddlers at daycare. I'm just so used to them being with me all the time, but then they'll probably learn more at daycare than being with me. I've heard from other parents that their kids are usually exhausted after a day in daycare and sleep better too. I'm trying not to worry about all the change and emotion that will come with going back to work, but it's inevitable. And if that's not enough guilt, I'll feel guilty for leaving the dog home alone all day. She's getting old, and we'll either need a dog walker or one of us will have to come home to let her out at lunch. When I was working, I rarely took a relaxing lunch. I either came home to walk the dog, or went to the gym. Going back to work makes life so much more hectic. Finding the right daycare is important too. It needs to be convenient (easy for drop off and pick up), someplace we feel comfortable leaving the boys, and then the price has to be right. The closest daycare down the street wants $2800 a month for both of them! We're on the list at another daycare that's non-profit and would be $1600 a month, but it's out of the way, and although we're at the top of the waiting list, they don't have two openings for us right now.

This week has been stressful with so much work and preparation for the boys birthday party Sunday. My brother is flying in tomorrow, and then I have last minute errands. The weather definitely isn't cooperating as we're on day two of cold, overcast, rainy weather. It's not supposed to be sunny and warm until next Tuesday. Why can't winter just give up and move on? Spring weather at this altitude is crazy. Actually, the weather in Denver is crazy from about October to May with violent temperature swings. It was in the 80s last Wednesday, then only about 50 today. I suppose Summer makes up for it though, as it's extremely pleasant for about four months with low humidity and not many bugs. I'm just ready to put away the coats for good!

If I get this job, I suppose it's meant to be, and life will change again as we enter a new chapter. I've been getting better at living in the moment and taking things one day at a time, so moving back to the work world will be quite a challenge. Things always work out for us, so my worries are just pointless.

How Important Is Community for LGBT Parents?

2010-04-22T10:44:00.003-06:00

I feel very fortunate to live where we live, in Denver, Colorado. We live in the actual city, not the suburbs, and have found our neighborhood, community, and city to be very accepting of LGBT parents and their children. According to American Community Survey, Denver ranks number 17 in the nation for percentage of gay residents at 8.8%. Not exactly San Francisco, but not bad either. It’s a liberal-leaning city with an active gay community. Although there is a “gay ghetto” in Denver, we don’t live in it. But our neighborhood, I would estimate, is well over 10% gay-owned homes. It’s also a great place to raise kids, and the majority of our neighbors have young children. We’re fortunate enough to be within 15 minutes of everything the city has to offer (restaurants, shopping, museums, parks, all sports venues, etc.) and have great public schools. Most of our neighbors with children are heterosexual couples, but they’re very accepting of us. I don’t remember the specific conversation I had with a neighbor’s six-year-old boy last year, but I do remember his response. “Uh… I know Dylan and Reid have two dads!”, as if he were insulted that I thought he didn’t understand our situation. Sometimes I can forget I’m gay living here since I’m in the same parenting boat as most of our neighbors, and they’re so accepting. For all these reasons, I love where we live. And since we have no family nearby, I’ve found it to be important to have such great neighbors, many of whom feel like family. In the absence of family or grandparent support, it can be very important for LGBT-headed families to build their own support groups. Trust me, the time will come when you need it!

I read “Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is” by Abigail Garner a couple years ago, a book I highly recommend to any gay or lesbian couples considering becoming parents. In her book, Garner showed how important community can be for gay couples raising children. Children who grew up in gay accepting communities had few, if any problems related to having gay parents, whereas children who grew up in more rural, conservative, non-accepting areas had the most issues with other children and other children’s parents. But as I recall, some of the kids she interviewed grew up in the ‘70s and ‘80s, so I’m curious if this is still much of an issue in 2010, as society has grown more accepting of the LGBT community in general.

We moved to Denver four years ago from a very conservative area of Southern California. We only knew two gay couples in our neighborhood, and although our neighbors were generally nice to us, no one ever asked us if we were a couple, or seemed comfortable discussing the fact that we were gay. A couple neighbors even made little comments that made me quite aware that they were anti-gay. When a few students at our local high school tried to create a “Gay/Straight Alliance”, it was met by outrage, protests, and negative media coverage. For this reason, among others, I didn’t want to raise children there. I’m sure there were gay parents raising children somewhere nearby, but it certainly wasn’t common. In our current neighborhood, we know many lesbian couples with children as well as a few gay couples with children. We had a gay couple nearby who went through the surrogacy process help us when we started the process, and now we’re doing the same for another couple. We even have an online gay parents group for our neighborhood.

Obviously many gay couples live in conservative areas, but it’s just not as big of a deal when it’s just the two of you. As a couple, you can pretty much keep to yourselves, and I think even in conservative areas, people tend to have a “live and let live” attitude. But once you have children, you can’t live in isolation. Your kids will eventually interact with neighbor kids, and you have to deal with the attitudes of your local schools and other parents.

So here’s my question to other gay and lesbian parents who are reading this.
-What type of community do you live in? Have you found the type of community you live in to be important for your family?
-Have you had issues with the schools and/or neighbors?
-And if you’ve had issues, how have you dealt with them?

I’m wondering if it’s just my perception that it would be bad for my children if we lived in conservative suburbs, or that we have it better living in a more accepting area. After all, it’s 2010 and times are changing. Obviously not all gay and lesbian parents are liberal, or want to live in a more urban environment. I’ve corresponded with a gay parent who was raising children in a very rural environment because that’s where he was comfortable living. And then it seems that most liberal, urban, gay-accepting communities tend to be expensive to live in, another drawback for families. If I had the time to research this subject, I think I’d find that gay couples are happily raising children in all types of communities across the U.S.

Twins are Turning Two!

2010-04-21T15:49:00.005-06:00

The countdown has begun! We're planning Reid and Dylan's second birthday party coming up May 2nd, although their birthday is the 3rd, a Monday. Since they seem to love trains, we're going with a Thomas the Tank Engine theme, and rather than inviting 100 people, we've narrowed it down to only 70 this time. Only 70! We'll barbeque and have cake, and hopefully the boys will have a great time. They were thrilled the other day when we had to wait for a train to pass near our house, which always annoys me. But I suppose it was more fun seeing their smiles and listening to "choo, choo" for five minutes. Why is it that little boys are fascinated by trains and trucks?

May is going to be a busy month with the boys' birthday, Nick's 40th birthday, Mother's day, a baby shower... luckily I've budgeted for this several months ago. I have a secret birthday present for Nick that I won't reveal just yet. I had to get a little creative with my budget, but hopefully he'll like it since it involves a lot of work for me.

Back to television, I read an article the other day where Kirsty Alley said she really wants to be on Modern Family and play Cameron's mother. She'd be hysterical in that role! And I had totally forgotten about one of my other favorite shows, Brothers and Sisters. I was so happy that Scotty and Kevin's surrogate is pregnant! So far their experience has been very parallel to what we went through, except that we didn't use a friend for a surrogate. I really hope they have twins, because it would be funny to see what we went through on television. Another big first for television - a gay couple becoming parents through surrogacy. I know so many people who watch Brothers and Sisters, and some of them are conservative men, so maybe more groundbreaking television will change hearts and opinions.

Reid is here in the office with me, begging for the sidewalk chalk up on the shelf, so I guess I better get Dylan up from his nap and take them outside. Sidewalk chalk in the house, as we've discovered, isn't a good thing!

OK, I'll explain the photo above. This is what happens when certain little boys shove their Handy Manny tools into the slot in the fireplace where the heat comes out. It took us a while to figure out where that horrible smell was coming from !

Role Models and Gay Parenting

2010-04-07T09:46:00.003-06:00

Television has always provided role models for parents and families. The Cleavers from Leave It To Beaver were the near perfect parents in the spotless home. They rarely disagreed with each other or raised their voices. I read somewhere that although people in the ‘50s knew the Cleavers weren’t reality, it gave them something to strive for. In the ‘80s, The Cosby Show was touted as the new role model for black families in America. The Huxtables really weren’t reality either. Clair and Heathcliff were professionals, a lawyer and a doctor, yet they seemed to always be home, have time for the kids, and their beautiful home was always clean, despite five children living in it, and no one was ever shown scrubbing toilets or mopping floors. Even so, it gave families and parents, especially black families, a role model and something to strive for. I remember as a kid, wishing that I had a perfect family like the Huxtables. They were classy, and Clair was a strong, yet fun mother. And who wouldn’t want to spend time with a dad like Heathcliff?

By the ‘90s, sitcoms began to reflect reality a bit more. The home I grew up in much more resembled that of the Conners on Roseanne. A small, working class home with a blue-collar father who came home exhausted from back-breaking work and a mother who wasn’t all that fond of housework. Maybe the Conners didn’t so much give parents something to strive for as it just gave the vast lower-middle class of America validation that they were normal, and people liked watching them struggle through the same situations that the average family struggled with.

But for gay parents, we’ve had no role models. Maybe we’re finally getting our role models on ABC’s Modern Family with Mitchell and Cameron raising their adopted infant daughter. This show really cracks me up, so we’ll see where it goes. I can’t think of any other sitcom that’s depicted a gay male couple raising an infant, so this show truly is groundbreaking.

Sometimes I wonder if our family is “normal”, or even what should be considered normal for a gay couple raising twins. I’ve often found myself thinking, WWCHD? (What would Claire Huxtable Do?) when the boys do something like dump a pound of flour all over the kitchen. She had all the answers and was a perfect mom in my mind. But I’m not a woman, so it seems odd that I’m looking to an ‘80s sitcom mom for a role model. I guess we’re in uncharted territory here, pretty much left to figure out what the typical gay parent family does and what’s considered normal family interaction for us. I’ve found myself comparing my relationship with Nick to other married couples, which I never did before having children. I’ve thought that he’s done something no wife would have ever put up with at times, but gay men interact differently than a husband and wife, and what may be considered normal within a gay relationship would be considered odd for a husband and wife.

Gay male couples are often more independent, and the feminine/masculine roles aren’t always clearly defined. Just look at Cameron in Modern Family. On the surface, he’s the big queeny mother role who stays at home with the baby. If you met Cameron in real life, you might assume he’s the mother figure in all aspects. But he’s the partner with brute strength who stands up to anyone just as a strong father figure would do. He’s the one who used tough love with their daughter by letting her cry herself to sleep when Mitchell, the bread winner, acted like an emotional mother, wanting to run to the baby and coddle her every time she cried. Again, the masculine/feminine aspects of their relationship and parenting styles don’t fit the typical mother/father roles, but we see that between the two of them, they both mother (verb) and father (verb) their daughter. Cameron and Mitchell very well may be TV sitcom role models for gay parents as they seem to be reflecting the reality gay male parents live. In the meantime, I’ve decided to stop comparing our relationship and our family to married couples with kids. I’ll just love my kids and be myself, sometimes more feminine, sometimes more masculine. I think they’ll grow up to be truly unique young men, having been raised by two men who love them so much.

Easter Weekend

2010-04-05T15:19:00.003-06:00

Saturday we had an Easter egg hunt in the park across the street from our house. All the parents prepared a dozen eggs per kid and spread them out all over the park. The majority of kids in our neighborhood are under five years old, so there were about 50 toddlers involved!

Dylan and Reid are still too young to understand holidays, but they knew they needed to get at all those eggs in the park. We each held a boy while waiting for the hunt to begin, and since they have zero patience, both melted down, tears and snot running all over their faces. They became so involved in their tantrums that once the hunt began, they didn’t go. We had to drag them, crying, out to find eggs. But once they realized what was in the eggs, they suddenly became well-behaved.

Sunday we dressed the boys up in their new Easter sweater vests and went to church. Our church has daycare that they enjoy, but it was packed, as was the church. Otherwise, the day was fairly relaxing and we had a couple friends over for dinner. I had dyed a few eggs, but didn’t bother hiding them since we were in a rush to get to an earlier church service and didn’t have time for the drama that would have been involved. They loved their Easter baskets and ate more candy than they’ve ever been allowed. Sidewalk chalk from the Easter Bunny was a hit, but of course they can’t limit their artwork to the sidewalk, so there was a lot of chasing going on with that activity. And Dylan realized how fun it was to break the chalk apart. Boys, always destroying things!

I’m a big fan of Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters (aren’t most gay men?) but they weren’t on last night, so I ended up watching a Kirsty Alley Big Life marathon. When things get boring in your own life, I suppose it’s fun to watch someone else’s life. Poor Kirsty. I’ve never been fat, so I can’t relate to her weight loss battle, but she’s pretty funny. It’s kind of amazing to see how really rich people spend their money, like on housing a bunch of lemurs, in Kirsty’s case. I need my own reality show and a staff of helpers! I wonder who’d want to watch a gay man chase twins around the house all day? I don’t watch all that much TV, especially these days, but usually wind down at the end of the day with a couple HGTV shows (I’ve watched enough HGTV to be a certified interior designer, or so I think) but tonight is Hoarders. I don’t know why I watch Hoarders since I’m such a neat freak. After an episode, it makes me want to go clean out a drawer or the storage room. If they ever have a show about compulsive cleaners and organizers, I could star in the pilot!

Herding Drunks

2010-03-31T15:08:00.002-06:00

For any of you who may be contemplating having kids through surrogacy, remember that twins and multiples are quite common. But know this: Twins sounds like double the fun, but really, it’s double the trouble! We wanted two kids, so we had twins on purpose. We weren’t getting any younger, and it was way cheaper to have both at once when you’re going the surrogacy route.

To be honest, there are pluses to go along with the extra work of twins. Sometimes they play together and keep each other occupied. You get double the hugs and kisses, and well, they’re just so darned cute! Especially when dressed alike. But talk to any parent of twins and they’ll surely have plenty of twin horror stories for you. OK, maybe not horror, but all parents of twins share a common bond and feel like they deserve a medal just for making it to age five.

Here’s a drill I like to refer to as “herding drunks”. I say drunks, because in many ways, toddlers are just like little drunk people, running around weaving, bobbing, tripping, falling, laughing, crying, and screaming for drinks. When I need to take the boys out somewhere, it’s at least a 30 minute process to get out the door. Maybe longer in winter when more clothes are necessary. But it’s just like having someone tell you, “OK, your mission is to go into the bar and find two drunk guys, take away their beers, get them to put on their coats, and get them out into your car. One’s a happy drunk and one’s an angry drunk”.

So here’s how it goes. I get myself dressed and ready while the boys are playing or watching “Wow, Wow, Wubsy”. They’re content and ignoring me. I bring down socks and shoes for both, which grabs their attention. “Shoes, Shoes”, they scream. I tell Reid to sit down so I can put his shoes and socks on, so he runs away. I grab Dylan because he’s a little slower. One trick I learned is to put on one sock, then the shoe for that foot, then move on to the other foot. If you do sock, sock, shoe, shoe, they pull off the first sock while I’m putting on the second sock, and back and forth we go. I can cut five minutes off the process by going sock, shoe, sock, shoe. Then I grab Dylan’s coat and at first, he sticks out his arm like he’s going to help. But then he goes limp and falls to the floor. It’s like he really knows this makes it much harder for me to get his coat on! OK, one down, so I now have to chase Reid around the kitchen island three times before I finally sprint to catch him. We go through the same sock, shoe, and coat routine. Now, they’re both ready. I grab Dylan, but now he has Elmo in his hand, and we can’t take Elmo with us. I take away Elmo and Dylan goes into an instant, hysterical rage, kicking and screaming. I take him into the garage, and insert him into his car seat, struggling to belt him in while he rages on. Very similar to putting a cat into a kennel if you’ve ever tried that! I give him one of the car toys to play with and he settles down. OK, we’re almost loaded and ready to go. I run back into the house to get Reid but find two socks, two shoes, and a coat on the floor and no Reid in sight. I hear a giggle behind the curtains, so I run over to get him and he bolts. Three times around the island, sock, shoe, sock, shoe, Reid goes limp, coat, giggle, giggle, and Reid’s in the car. Now I’m sweating, even though it’s 25 degrees in the garage. I run back in, grab my wallet, keys, sunglasses, and set the alarm. I get in the car, start the car, double check that the boys are belted in, and then the smell hits me. Somebody pooped! Shut off the car, back in the house, lather, rinse, repeat. I don’t think I’ll ever be on time again for the next 15 years!

2010 - A Year of Hope and Growth

2010-03-30T15:33:00.001-06:00

So where does the time go when you’re a stay-at-home dad? It’s been what, nine months that I’ve been meaning to update my blog? I’m still unemployed, and the boys are doing great, progressing as they should. Reid’s still difficult, only now more in a two-year-old way. The tantrums are beginning for both, and parenting has switched gears from simply caregiver to caregiver and disciplinarian. I’ve perfected the “parent look”. You know, the look that sends them running! And they’ve definitely crossed the line from babies to little boys.

Other than the sometimes mundane daily routine of child care, I’m still looking for a job and have been volunteering for Habitat for Humanity. I’ve been interviewing families who will receive homes and documenting their stories for newsletters and posting at the home sites. This has been rewarding in many ways. I’ve met amazing people, many who barely escaped chaos and violence in Africa and the Middle East, lived for years in miserable refugee camps, and finally immigrated to the U.S. They all seem so happy and appreciative of the new lives they have in this country. It has really put my life and problems in perspective. This volunteer work has also allowed me to at least keep my skills in use part time, and given me a sense of accomplishment every now and then. As for job hunting, I’ve applied for over 150 positions and had a grand total of four interviews, only one being in person. I have a feeling competition is fierce because a major newspaper in our city shut down three months before I lost my job. My main hope is that I find a job that utilizes my writing and communication skills before unemployment benefits run out! At times I worry, or become depressed. Other times I’m happy to have this opportunity to be close to the boys all day and bond with them. It’s been a great time to practice “living in the moment” for me.

We met another gay couple in our neighborhood who has two foster children – an infant and a three-year-old. They’re very nice and one of them only works part time, so we’ve scheduled outings with our kids throughout the winter. Although I’ve done play dates with some of the stay-at-home moms in the neighborhood, it’s nice to hang out with someone who’s completely in my situation.

Winter has been rough and colder than average, so we’ve just recently started getting out to the playgrounds. With the longer days, it’s so much fun to take the boys outside in the evenings to play with other kids in the park. Evenings were really brutal throughout the winter when it’s dark so early. That last two hours the boys are awake can seem like an eternity in Winter. They were probably sick of being indoors and bored with their toys by the evening. Taking them out to run and get exercise while I can socialize with neighbors is much better, so Spring has proved to be a great anti-depressant!

Another couple down the street from us has begun the surrogacy process, and we’ve given them tips and pointers just as another couple who had been through the process did for us. They’ll be great parents and we’re looking forward to seeing them have kids. They’re shooting for twins, the same as we did.

One thing I envy with other parents around here is that most have grandparents who help out regularly, or come to town and help out and give them a break. We don’t have that option, so we can’t get away for a short vacation. In fact, we’ve only been away from the house together without the boys on three occasions since they were born. I needed a break so bad that last November, I took a three-day trip to Portland, alone. I had never been there and always wanted to visit Portland, so it really was nice to have a little time to myself, get plenty of sleep, and have no responsibility, even if it was just for a long weekend.

The boys are almost 23 months old now, so preparations for the “big two” birthday are underway. We haven’t decided exactly what we’re doing, but it won’t be as big as last year when we had around 90 people at our house for their party. Maybe Chuck-E Cheese? My brother is flying out for their birthday and another friend of ours is flying in as well. My parents will be out a couple weeks afterward. Nick is turning 40 the week after their birthday, so I’m trying to figure something out for him as well, although with me being unemployed, I don’t have a lot to spend. I doubt I could surprise him, so it’ll probably be a planned party.

We’re getting new words from both boys all the time, and it’s amazing how much they understand. I can ask them to go find their sippy cups and bring them to me, and they will! Reid finally said his own name the other day, and I’ve been coaching them to call me “Papa”, which they’re catching on to. Dylan is still more laid back while Reid gets into EVERYTHING! Sometimes, I feel like I live in an insane asylum with every door and cabinet locked. If you miss locking a kitchen cabinet, Reid will be in it within a minute, making a huge mess. He’s dumped flour all over the house, and most recently, a packet of taco spice all over the living room. Talk about a smell you don’t want on your sofa! He seems to always be thinking, and more than one person has told me this means he’s probably very smart. He’s started testing me, looking me in the eye to see what I’m going to do just before he does something he knows he shouldn’t do. Every now an then, there have been days where I think I’m going to lose my mind because of the things he does!

I now fully understand the plight of stay-at-home moms. At this age, it can be tiring, mind-numbing, and unrewarding. There have been days when I crawled into bed at night, feeling like that was the only rest I got. But then they’ll come up to me and hug me, kiss me, and do the silliest things that makes it all worth the work. Sometimes I just turn on music and let them entertain me with their latest dance moves. It really is like people told me before they were born. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but also the most amazing and rewarding experience of your life!

Lazy Daze of Summer

2009-07-17T16:09:00.003-06:00

Sorry it's been so long since an update, but I've been quite busy. I was laid off from my job last month, so we had to let the nanny go. On the positive side, I've been able to spend a lot of time with the boys. On the negative side, I've applied for over 20 jobs and not a single bite. It seems like submitting resumes is just flushing them down the toilet! I get anxious from time to time, wondering how this will all play out. I'm looking for writing/editing/communications positions, but since one of the major newspapers in our city shut down last Fall, I have a feeling the competition is fierce.

The boys are both walking, and getting into everything! I swear, I'm more tired from keeping up with them all day than if I were going to a job every day. So far they aren't talking, but this seems to be normal for boys. Twins also take longer to start talking, from what I've heard.

Tomorrow is our neighborhood garage sale, so we're getting rid of all their baby things and tons of clothes that were filling up our storage room. Then we're buying other toys at neighbors' garage sales to fill any voids we've been able to create in the house! Anything to keep their little minds occupied and challenged is a good thing. They're very smart and learning fast. For instance, they can mess up the surround sound in 10 seconds, which then takes me 10 minutes to fix. Reid has started pointing at things, like he's asking what they are. I think he's close to saying something. And then we're beginning to deal with discipline issues. They know when they do something wrong, but other than removing them from the situation, there's not much you can do. But it's great to know their development is totally normal and we have two active, healthy boys.

I'm off this evening to a happy hour to do a little networking. Apparently, networking is the only way to find a job these days. I could use the break from parenting as well.

One Year Old!

2009-05-11T13:43:00.002-06:00

Last Sunday marked the first birthday for our boys, and we celebrated big! We had a barbeque, birthday cake, a bouncy castle, and an estimated 85 attendees at the affair. Most of the attendees were friends from our neighborhood, but also a few relatives. It was a lot of work, and by the time I had a moment to sit down, all the food and cake was gone, but well worth it.

We were worried a bit about the weather, so we set up tables in the garage for people to eat, but as it turned out, the weather was near perfect. The boys seemed a bit confused by all the people packed into the house singing “Happy Birthday” to them, but they enjoyed making messes with their cakes. We waited until after the party to open their presents, which took well over an hour. They now have plenty of summer clothes and the boys are enjoying all the new toys. I had to buy a “toy box” for them all – a nice trunk that fits in well with the living room. But they quickly learned how to open it and pull everything out.

My parents came to visit and meet the boys for the first time. I still get the feeling they aren’t so thrilled with me personally, but they enjoyed spending time with their grandsons and the visit was cordial. My aunt and uncle, who recently moved to our state, came as well. They seemed very happy for us and completely accepting, so I was glad they came. I think it also “completed the puzzle” for the family because no one ever knew that I’m gay, as my parents wanted it kept secret. So over the years, my life was just a mystery to them. They were shocked to find out that Nick and I have been together for 14 years and they’d never known.

One of the twins is walking while the other will only take a couple steps here and there. It seems so strange to have one walking around now, and funny how he staggers around. His walking skills seem to improve daily. Neither of them is talking yet, but as much as they babble, I’m sure we’re getting close. The latest development is that they’ve reversed roles – meaning one twin is more challenging (I’ll try not to say “difficult”!) than the other, but now the easy going twin has become somewhat of a bully toward the other, and the one who caused all the problems a few months ago is now easy going. I’ve heard this role reversal will go on for years from experienced twin parents.

Looking back over the past year, it was all completely worth it. I won’t sugar-coat the first six months. It was in no way easy, and probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life. We had no outside help, full time jobs, and the sleep depravation was horrible. But what an experience! Seeing them grow from newborns into the little people they are today, complete with personalities and quirks – words can’t describe it. It’s still a lot of work, but a lot more fun than in the first few months. Plus they usually sleep through the night, so we get more rest.

For the most part, I think this year went as I had expected. I suppose the love I’ve developed for the boys was unexpected only in the sense that I’ve never experienced parental love before. And then there are our different parenting styles and roles. In response to Nick’s more fatherly approach, I’ve consciously taken a more “mothering” role, being more the gentle care giver. Not that I let them run all over me, but making sure they experience a gentle touch every day – hugs, kisses, a little back rub, or time just sitting on my lap with one-on-one attention. Expenses have definitely had a big impact on our lives, which we expected, but we didn’t expect such a horrible economy that we’d have to endure pay cuts. The bulk of the expense goes to our nanny. Then there’s the diapers, formula, (now they’re on milk, which is cheaper), new clothes as they grow out of the old ones, etc. – I’ve estimated their cost to be over $3,000 per month! Once they’re in school, expenses will drop dramatically.

When people talk about taking things one day at a time, I can truly relate. Some days are just like that, with so much work. Some days are still very tiring, and I’ll admit to occasionally looking forward to 8 p.m. when they go to sleep, when I can take a half hour to an hour for myself. But one of my favorite things is their last half hour before bed when I get down on the floor with them and we watch a nursery rhyme DVD that they love. They lean on me while watching the show, their little faces light up with smiles, and they clap at their favorite parts. Then I read a book to them, which signals time for sleep. I wonder what life will bring for them – who they’ll become, what they’ll accomplish. But for now I’ll just enjoy when they want hugs, kisses, and attention, and try to keep up with their amazing pace of growing and learning!

A Day in the Life...

2009-03-04T10:50:00.001-07:00

Over the past ten months, it’s been a wild ride, from the sleepless nights with newborns and shock of having two babies to care for to falling in love with these two beautiful little boys and realizing they’re now a part of my life, a part of our family, and now being unable to imagine life without them. It’s been tiring and tough, but rewarding.

Having never been in the situation of parent or even lived in a household with one, let alone two babies, I often wondered what life would be like as parents and how I’d deal with it day to day. So I’m posting what a typical work day is like in our home – a routine I’ve become accustomed to.

Nick and I have staggered our work schedules to avoid having the nanny with the boys for 10 hours per day, so I’m up first and out the door early, but home between 3:45 and 4 p.m. Nick isn’t home until around 5:30. Although we both have to work, at least with this schedule, the boys only spend about 8 hours or a little less with the nanny. And some days, one of us comes home for lunch.

5:00 a.m.: My alarm goes off, followed by two snooze sessions. I’m not a morning person, and hate this time of day! Everyone is still asleep, other than the dog. I get out of bed, let the dog out, and then feed her. Then I’m off to the shower and to get dressed. By the time I’m ready, it’s time to walk the dog. Some mornings one of the boys will be up at this point, and if that’s the case, I take him downstairs for a diaper change and a bottle in the Pack-N-Play. He’s safe in there while I walk the dog. After the dog walk, I skim the newspaper, say goodbye to Nick and the boys if they’re awake, and head to work. Nick has about an hour at this point before the nanny arrives.

4:00 p.m.: I’m home from work, and hit the ground running. Both boys are thrilled to see me, and I have to get my hugs and kisses from them! If they weren’t up before I left in the morning, this is the first time I’ve seen them for the day. Before the nanny leaves, I head upstairs to change clothes, get clothes ready for the next day, clean out the diaper bin, and then come downstairs to make my lunch for the next day. I generally do a little cleaning after the nanny leaves. The boys love to follow me around when I Swiffer the hardwoods! They seem to think this is some game. I usually start dinner around 5 p.m. and get the boys high chairs and baby food out for their dinner. We have play time until they seem ready for dinner around 5:30 to 6 p.m. By this time, Nick is home. If I feed the boys, I usually try to eat at the same time, sitting at the kitchen island. If you try to eat while they’re not eating, you’ll soon have a twin attached to each let, begging for food, even if they just ate!

6:30 p.m.: Around this time I like to either go for a two mile walk or work out in our home gym. It’s nothing huge, but enough for mid week workouts. Either way, I don’t spend more than about 40 minutes on fitness. Then it’s either bath time for the boys (we bathe them every other night) or time to change diapers and get them into their PJs. They love baths now, and we put them in the tub together with a few toys. Although it’s getting to the point where I could wear a rain coat during bath time, as they’ve discovered the thrills of splashing water. They have so much fun that I hate to take them out.

7:30 p.m.: This is wind-down time for the boys where we play with them and then either read them a book, or some nights we watch a DVD that has bed time stories. They love this, and there are songs we sing along with. By now they’re getting tired and sometimes cranky. One of the twins falls asleep in your arms, the other needs to be given a bottle and put in the Pack-N-Play. Then they’re off to bed around 8.

8:00 p.m. This is our only real personal time – 45 minutes to an hour on weekday evenings. I’m in bed normally by 9 since I get up so early, and this quiet time of the day just seems too short!

Weekends are more flexible and enjoyable with less routine, but we’ve fallen into this weekday schedule and it works for us. I’m planning on using my vacation time this year to play “stay at home dad” and spend time with the boys and take them out to do special things. Sometimes I feel guilty for not being there all day, every day, and other times going to work feels like a break. But then I see the stay at home moms in our neighborhood and they’re just as exhausted as I am. It’s a tough job, but an exciting adventure.

10 Months Old!

2009-03-03T10:38:00.002-07:00

March is here, with warmer weather and longer days, allowing us to get out of the house more often. The birds are chirping and Spring’s first flowers have started to bloom. I’m no fan of winter and when combined with the horrible economic news the past few months, it’s been a season I just wanted to get past. Once the first green leaves start to pop open, I know the boys first birthday will be fast approaching. As much as I’ve tried to live in the moment and enjoy the twins in their first months, I think the first birthday is as much a milestone of survival for the parents as it is a celebration of their lives and their fist year.

The boys are very active, very mobile, and progressing toward walking. They walk along furniture, holding on for balance and looking for trouble. We’ve removed as many temptations from the main living area as possible, but you can hear the wheels turning in their little heads as they look for something new to put in their mouths or break apart. The only thing you’ll find on our coffee table or end tables is fingerprints. I finally broke down and moved two big plants to the basement until they can be placed outside in Spring after tiring of saying “NO” and pulling leaves and dirt from their mouths. The Tupperware drawer in the kitchen is a great toy box to divert their attention while preparing dinner, and it didn’t cost a dime. I’ve also learned to be fast when getting things out of the refrigerator. It takes about two seconds for either of the boys to be under your feet and pulling things out of it. And cooking just wouldn’t be fun without a boy attached to each of my legs!

Both boys have a fair number of teeth, and one of them loves to use them to bite, or chew on his crib. I think we’ll have to sand the crib down and re-stain it once he’s beyond this stage, since the cribs convert to twin beds. It was such a big deal when the first tooth came in, but now I don’t check every day. They both have top and bottom teeth in front, and seem to have figured out how to chew like a rabbit on food they like. Teddy Grahams are a great way to gain about five minutes of peace and quiet while you load the dishwasher.

The big difference in parenting now (ten months) compared to last summer is that’s it’s fun. We’re much more rested now that they both (usually) sleep through the night, and they laugh, giggle, and play with each other and with us. Last evening I got down on the floor in the middle of their toys and just played with them, let them crawl over me, and watched out for the occasional pinch or bite to my face. When I come home from work, their little faces light up and they have to get a big hug from me. Now I can see where having twins actually gets easier, because they play with each other, “talk” back and forth, and conspire to commit crimes against their daddies! Another parent rule to remember, silence equals big trouble! If everything gets quiet and you don’t see either twin, trouble’s a brewin’ somewhere. In these mysterious quiet moments, I’ve caught them doing the following: chewing on a dining room table leg, pulling all the toilet paper off the roll in the powder room, chewing on a dirty shoe, pulling the cords to the computer and very close to pulling it off the desk, about to knock over a telescope, taunting the cat, removing door stops from the wall, pulling dirt out of planters, playing in the dog’s water dish, and sticking their hands in a toilet. Just when you think the house is baby-proofed, they prove otherwise!

Two months until the big birthday, and plans have already begun. We’re hoping for nice weather and an outdoor party and maybe one of those “jumpy castle” things for the bigger kids. I have a feeling we’ll have grandparents in town for the occasion (none of the grandparents have been to visit yet) so it should be interesting.

Inauguration, Colds, and Hope

2009-01-22T10:40:00.001-07:00

January has been a month of sickness in our house, and I’m ready to move on to February! I caught a cold a couple weeks ago, that’s still lingering a bit, and now both boys have it. The poor guys hate when we use what I call the “nose picker” (a bulb suction thing) to suck the snot out of their noses. I don’t know why it freaks them out, but it does. For me, the cold was just annoying and nothing that kept me in bed. It seems the same for them.

The weather has cooperated with an entire week of temperatures in the 60s and 70s, while the Midwest and East suffered through an Arctic cold blast. We were able to enjoy being outdoors much of the weekend with trips to the park for swinging. Winter returns tomorrow though, but nothing too intense.

As the daily news seems to bring only bad news about the economy, one bright spot for our family this week was the inauguration of President Obama. I hadn’t intended to bring politics into this blog, but I imagine most people reading this tend toward the liberal side, as do we. Whether you agree with the politics or not, I would hope most people agree that this historic day was a turning point in American history, electing a black president. As we are a bi-racial (black/white) couple with bi-racial children, it brought tears of joy to my eyes to see a man racially equivalent to my children take the highest office in our country. To think that someday I can say to my children, “See the President? He’s just like you! You can go a high as you’re able in life.” I love their brown eyes, curly dark brown hair, and mocha skin that’s half way between our own skin tones. My hope is that racism isn’t as much of an issue for them as it has been for past generations. And with the election of President Obama, there is more Hope on the horizon for all GLBT families, that someday we might get the legal recognition we need!

Happy New Year!

2009-01-12T13:59:00.003-07:00

The holidays have come and gone and I’m ready for spring! I’m not a fan of winter at all, so I take note each day of the slowly increasing amount of daylight, hoping for warm days when I can get the boys out of the house. Luckily we get warm days here and there, so I was able to take them to the playground over the Christmas break and they enjoyed swinging in the infant swing.

I began the New Year in the emergency room with a nasty case of stomach flu. It was horrible, and I had to have an I.V. for rehydration. My main worry was that the babies’ would get it, but luckily they didn’t. But then we had to take one of the twins to the emergency room last week when he had a 101 fever. It turned out to be the “Hand/Foot/Mouth” virus, which I’d never heard of . He has blisters in his mouth that are obviously painful, but he’s doing much better now. Two nights in a row he was up every one to two hours crying, so we had a difficult weekend. He slept through the night last night, so he’s getting better. The doctor said the other twin would most likely get it too, but so far, no symptoms. We’re keeping our fingers crossed!

As the boys have become mobile, parenting has begun a new phase. In the beginning, it’s just about feeding, changing diapers, - basically, keeping them alive and healthy. Now they do things we don’t want them to, like pulling leaves off a houseplant (I looked up our plants online to make sure they weren’t poisonous), pinching the dog, harassing the cat, finding tucked away cords to pull on, turning over the dog’s water dish, messing with the remotes, etc. So far neither boy seems to understand “no”, but I’m sure they’re beginning to recognize how often they hear that word! We say “no” and take them away from the situation, trying to minimize the temptations along the way with a minimalistic landscape in the house.

It’s amazing to see how fast they’ve grown from helpless newborns into little people who watch our every move and react to us. I believe leading and teaching by example is important, so I’m already working on my own behavior at the same time. For example, anger control. I grew up in a home where my mother raised her voice and yelled at us. I’m not talking about abuse, but sort of like George Costanza’s parents on Seinfeld. Sure, the Costanzas were funny, screaming back and forth at each other over nothing important, but that’s not something I need in my home! I’m practicing a calm demeanor in challenging situations and have already noticed that a calm voice helps sooth a crying baby. All parents experience anger toward each other at times, and again, remaining calm and keeping an even tone in the face of anger will set an example. “Serenity now”, and hopefully no insanity later! Parenting is a skill, and like all skills, practice makes perfect.

Preparing for the Holidays

2008-12-10T09:05:00.001-07:00

The holiday season is here, and we’re still tired! I thought the sleep depravation was supposed to end around four months, but I thought wrong. The boys are doing well and now over seven months old, with one at 20 pounds and the other near 18, but our little night owl still won’t sleep through the night. This is still the biggest challenge for us, as we never get a full night’s sleep. His latest thing is that he gets up for a bottle, and then refuses to go back to sleep. Getting up for two hours in the middle of the night has been so frustrating. I’ve spoken to other parents who say their babies never slept through the night until they were over a year old, so this could continue for quite some time. Last night I finally let him cry for about 15 minutes, and then he fell back to sleep. I’m not a fan of the “cry it out” method, but it seemed to be the only option, other than getting out toys and staying awake half the night.

On the positive side, it’s been fun buying and wrapping Christmas presents for them, and last week I took them to get their picture taken with Santa. They did very well and neither one cried. They even seemed to enjoy doing our Christmas shopping at the mall after the picture and liked all the attention they received from strangers.

Both boys are now mobile, which introduces a whole new set of challenges around the house. We have a two-story home, so we’re going to get baby gates for the stairs soon. They’ve also discovered the Christmas tree, and it’s as if they know all those colorful presents are for them. I don’t think they’ve figured out what “no” means, so we keep steering them away from the temptation! We also had to lower the mattresses in their cribs because it looked like they would soon be able to pull themselves over the rail.

I took the boys last month to get RSV shots – apparently twins are at greater risk, so they need to get shots once per month until Spring. This was my first time with them at the doctor when they got shots, and I felt so bad for them. As soon as that needle went in, you would think someone had hit them over the head. It took about ten minutes to calm them and wipe away the tears after the shots. Next week we’ll have to do it all over again. I remember as a child being terrified of the doctor and shots, so I can definitely sympathize with them.

Dinner time has become interesting now that they’re eating solid baby food. The bigger twin eats anything we give him with no problems while the smaller twin takes a little coaxing at times. I think we already know who our picky eater will be! I know some of our neighbors make their own baby food, like boiling and then mashing sweet potatoes. I’m going to ask for advice on this to find out what works best at this age.

I can’t wait for Christmas morning to see the excitement on their faces as they rip open their presents. They’re really into tearing paper now, so they may enjoy the process more than the toys.

Happy Holidays!

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T14:18:00.001-06:00

I’ve been so busy lately, but keep meaning to post an update. This month both Nick and I had to travel for work, one week each, so we’ve both had the opportunity to take care of the boys alone. I was gone first, and I worried about home, the boys, the dog, and whether Nick was going crazy with all the responsibility dumped on him. But I’ll admit I enjoyed the freedom too. I was able to go out to nice restaurants, hit the gym in the evening without hurrying, and then sleep nine hours each night at a Marriott. I especially enjoyed the uninterrupted sleep!

I really dreaded the following week when it was time for payback. But it turned out to not be so bad. I was fortunate enough to be able to work from home all that week, so I didn’t have to worry about getting ready in the morning while the boys were up, which is a difficult thing to do. Plus a friend in our neighborhood stopped by in the evening to help with feeding the boys, or just keeping them occupied while I walked the dog and ate my own dinner.

Next Monday the boys will be 6 months old! They’re getting big (one is 17 pounds now) but the smaller guy still won’t sleep through the night. The doctor said it’s ok to start letting him cry it out, and that we shouldn’t feed him in the middle of the night. That’s easier said than done. I just don’t like the idea of letting him cry, but I’ve heard it’s better to break the habit now rather than a year from now. Last night I had to go to the guest room in the basement because I couldn’t sleep with his crying. Nick said he was asleep in 15 minutes, but I tend to just be on edge when I know he’s in the next room and could cry at any moment. We’ll see how things go in the next week.

The boys are going out this evening as Superman (twin Supermen) and our neighborhood is having a baby parade for all those too young to trick-or-treat before it gets dark. They enjoy any attention and excitement, so I’m sure they’ll enjoy themselves.

The next step we’re getting close to is crawling- probably within the next two weeks. They’re already somewhat mobile, but not actually crawling. Their smiling faces, giggles, and accomplishments amaze me every day!

Four Month Checkup Time

2008-09-17T11:51:00.001-06:00

The boys go in for their four month checkup later this week, but they seem healthy and normal to me. They’ve both begun the teething process, and I’ve asked moms on our block about this since I was clueless. The first thing I noticed was constant drooling, and then they both began sucking on their hands. Each boy has had a couple “bad days” where they seem very irritable, a lot of screaming and crying, etc. We give them these little pills that dissolve on their gums to numb them, then we have teething chew toys, and if all else fails, a little baby Tylenol. I didn’t know this, but the teeth don’t just pop through in a few days. They move up and down in the gums over a period of time before finally popping through, so it just comes and goes from day to day.

We took the boys swimming a couple weekends ago and they really seemed to enjoy it. I bought them swim trunks and special diapers for swimming, then strap on sunglasses. We took them to a kid’s pool in our development that has no deep end, and just held them and moved around in the water for about an hour. By their lack of screaming or crying, I assume they enjoyed it!

The larger twin is still sleeping through the night while the smaller one still gets up for a bottle around 3 a.m. every night! It’s certainly easier than during the first couple months, but I have to wonder when he’ll start sleeping through the night. We definitely see big differences in personality between them, with the larger twin being fairly laid back and independent, and the smaller being much more challenging! I’ve asked other parents if the personalities they saw in their babies translated to their personalities when older, and the answers vary, meaning their personalities could change. They’re definitely getting fun to play with as they now grab things and like direct interaction. One twin likes “peek-a-boo” and is catching on to “gimme five!” while the other shows no interest. It’s amazing how they’ve developed in such a short amount of time.

Educator on Surrogacy by Default

2008-08-22T12:20:00.002-06:00

Here are a few dumb statements and questions I’ve encountered lately regarding our children:

Twice people have said the boys “look like their Daddy”, meaning my partner. Uh, then who do you think I am? My name’s on the birth certificate too. I know the people who said this were in no way meaning to disrespect me, but it made me feel like I’m nothing more than a babysitter. We’ve decided that we’ll both be called Daddy and they can add our first names to clarify if they’re talking to or about one of us in particular.

While getting professional pictures taken a couple weeks ago, the photographer finally looked at me and said, “So who are you? A friend of the family?” I just said, “No, I’m also a father”. I watched the wheels spinning in his head, then clarified that we’re a couple, we had them via surrogacy/egg donor, and then he apologized.

“So where’s the mother. Will she be involved in their lives?” I guess the concept of egg donor is off most people’s radar, so when this question has been asked, I just explain that there was an egg donor who plays no part in their lives or even knows of their existence.

“Did you adopt outside the country?” This has been asked of me when I’m out in public with the boys by myself. No, we’re not “Bradgelina”. I just say tell them that the boys are bi-racial and not adopted. Then they get it. A neighbor who’s white and has bi-racial (black and white) children told me she gets dumb questions like that too.

“Oh, so you’re both parents?” This requires explaining the legal process and how we’re both considered legal parents in all states and both listed on the birth certificates.

“Are you guys married?” Apparently the uninformed youth of today think gay people can marry in this country. I’ve been asked this on three occasions by people in their lower 20s. While it’s positive to find out that younger people think gay marriage is perfectly fine, it requires explaining that it’s legal only in two states, that other states don’t recognize those marriages, that a few other states offer domestic partnerships, and that our state offers neither. So next time it’s on the ballot, we need you to stop texting long enough to go VOTE!

At the time, some of these questions or statements seemed a little insulting or dumb, but then I realized that the average person has never encountered our situation. Becoming a parent this way makes you an educator on surrogacy by default. I don’t let it get to me. I don’t think there will ever be so many gay parents out there with children from surrogacy that it just becomes common knowledge, so we’ll most likely have to explain the situation over and over for many years. So far no one’s reacted negatively to me when I explain, so I find that very positive.

Three Months Old!

2008-08-13T11:07:00.001-06:00

We’ve survived the first three months! The boys are now approaching 15 weeks in this world and things are settling down a bit. The first couple months were rough with the sleep depravation. Like other parents say, the first few months with a newborn are just a blur. I lost ten pounds initially, but have gained back most of it and have been making it to the gym two or three times per week. I think I often just forgot to eat those first few weeks, or by 9:00 p.m., realized I hadn’t eaten, but was too tired to eat. We each had to care for one baby every night, which meant getting up every hour and a half to two hours, so there were nights where I didn’t get much more than four hours sleep. People say to “sleep when the baby sleeps”, but with twins, it seems like they rarely were sleeping at the same time. Plus we didn’t have the advantage of being able to stay home from work for three months, nor did we have any family help, so that added to the stress.

It’s nice to have other twin parents around for support. It’s very stressful on the parents and there were a few “disagreements” here and there. I think we were both doing so much work and so tired that we each, at some point, began to think the other person wasn’t pulling his weight. Other twin parents say they went through the same thing during the first few months, so it’s comforting to know we aren’t unusual. We’ve settled into a routine now so life is a lot calmer.

The boys are getting bigger, having more than doubled in weight since birth. One is over 13 pounds, the other around 12. The larger twin is sleeping through the night many nights from around 8:30 p.m. to 7 a.m. The smaller guy, not so much. He’s up once for a feeding around 2 a.m. and then up again around 6 a.m., but this is still much better than when he was up at least four times a night!

In the beginning, it was just survival mode. You feed and change them, they sleep or scream. So much work with no real feedback from them. I remember the first time one of them smiled big at me, my heart just melted! Now I can coax a smile out of them almost anytime I want. They seem to be recognizing us too. The other day I came home from work and one of them saw me and smiled. After work I spend time with them, talking or even reading a book to them. They love this and will coo and babble back at me. They have physical time too where they sit in bouncy chairs and kick their legs, building up muscles for crawling. They really seem to want to crawl, and both of them can move around a bit. I can see it won’t be long until they’re crawling all over the place. With the recent interaction and time to stop and appreciate them (as opposed to the “survival mode” times), I’m beginning to feel like a father and have completely fallen in love with my children. It’s a feeling I never could have imagined, that two little human beings rely on us for everything and feel comfort in our arms.

It’s still a strange feeling out in public when I have the boys, knowing that other people see me and know I’m a parent. People have told me that parents always worry, and now I worry too. I see little glimpses of their personalities and wonder what they’ll be like when they’re older. One is more easy going and focused (he can happily watch the ceiling fan for a half hour) while the other requires more attention and seems less focused. I never want them to experience pain or anything bad in life, but I know I can’t control that and we all experience pain at some point. They’re so innocent and perfect, but next year, we’ll need to start the discipline process when they begin to lose a little of that innocence. I see other parents in our neighborhood making that transition right now and it seems to require a bit of mental gear shifting on the parents’ part to move from only care to care and discipline.

My hopes and dreams for our sons are not that they’ll be rich or famous, or that they’ll be doctors or sports stars, but that they’ll be happy. I’m not concerned that they choose certain career paths, or even go to college, although we’ll certainly steer them toward college. I just want them to be capable of having healthy relationships with others and I want to help them discover their strengths and use those strengths to their advantage. If I had understood that 25 years ago, I could have avoided much trial and error in my own career path. I also want them to be strong, have a positive self image, and to love and allow themselves to be loved. These are the things I’ve been thinking about, and then how my own actions will guide them down this path.
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There's No Closet for Gay Parents

2008-05-30T11:02:00.003-06:00

Life has taken quite a turn recently with the birth of our two boys in all the expected ways – sleep depravation, middle-of-the-night feedings, juggling baby feeding with household chores, etc. All the typical things you’d expect a couple to experience upon the birth of their first child or children. But being a gay parent, there’s been another big change – coming out, again, and again, and again!

Many years ago I went through the “coming out” process in college – first to myself, then friends, and family. It was scary, difficult, and often liberating. But since that process in 1993, only rarely do I tell anyone I’m gay. Probably because anyone I think it’s important to already knows I’m gay. But when you become a same sex parents, you’re suddenly forced into the process in a whole new way. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve come out to in the past month, simply out of necessity.

Upon arrival at the hospital shortly after the twins’ birth, I had to explain to the security guard that I too, was a parent. Then I explained my situation to the women working in the nursery and other hospital staff when necessary. The hospital was used to same sex couples and the surrogacy process, so it really wasn’t a big deal. That Sunday when the boys were released and we left the hospital, our first stop was Target where I first realized how many people newborn twins attract. People just came up to see the babies and then looked at us and asked questions. Here I was in a Target in San Diego explaining to strangers that I was a gay parent! Then the same situation in a restaurant, in the airport on the way home, to the person sitting next to me on the plane… the “outings” just go on and on.

Back home, neighbors from blocks away, who I didn’t even know, would stop to see the babies when I was out walking with them in the stroller and then would ask about my “wife”, so again, I’ve had to explain the situation. Our pediatrician is great and everyone in the office seems to enjoy us and the boys – even commenting that they’re lucky to have us as parents. The biggest outing, however, has been at work!

I’ve never lied about being gay in the workplace, but then I don’t announce it either. I think this is the approach most gay people use, especially when they don’t work in a gay-friendly industry. I skirted the issue with coworkers and my boss when I had to explain in recent months that I was going to become a father and needed three weeks off work. While at home on vacation with the twins, I checked my work e-mail daily and received an e-mail from our administrative assistant, who I only knew casually. She asked if I was on extended leave because someone had asked about my empty desk, so I told her I was home with newborns. She asked for a picture, I sent one, and the next thing I knew, the Senior Vice President in our facility wanted to know my address and “wife’s name” to send us a card! I e-mailed back with an explanation, outed myself, and so far have suffered no negative consequences. The Vice President congratulated me in person once I returned to work, so I’ve been pleasantly surprised. I guess being outed in the workplace is something many gay people dread because even if your coworkers are fine with it, bosses and coworkers change over time and you never know if your next boss will be a homophobe who works on getting rid of you from the day he or she starts work. Being out at work can also work against you on promotions to other positions as well, if a hiring manager is anti-gay. You just never know, but so far I’m feeling fine with it.

I knew becoming a parent would require being out – way out! So far we haven’t receive a single negative comment from anyone about being parents, although I think I constantly have my guard up to some extent. But the process of explaining our situation and coming out will happen again and again as we raise our boys – from people in stores to teachers and neighbors. I might as well get used to coming out, because there’s no hiding now. If anything, the process has taught me that our society has come a long way in accepting gay people, and if people do have issues with two men being parents, they at least have the decency to keep their opinions to themselves. I think our boys were born at a very exciting time in history!

The First Three Weeks - Life Has Changed!

2008-05-23T11:12:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow will mark the third week since our sons were born, and it’s been quite a wild time! The boys have gained weight, although one is still smaller than the other and requires more frequent feedings. It’s almost frightening how fast life changed on the evening of May 5th when we first walked into our home with the newborns.

We were both off work for two full weeks and I had part of this week off. We hired a nanny who started last Monday, but I wanted to spend some time with her in the house to help her adjust and learn where things were located, as well as to evaluate her and how she interacted with the twins. She seems very attentive with the boys and keeps the house in decent shape, so we’re feeling comfortable with her.

The biggest change in our lives seems to be that neither of us can just do what we want, whenever we want. Simply going for a walk requires a conversation to make sure one of us is on baby duty. Then there is the intense exhaustion from both lack of sleep and from being so busy all day. We live in a two-story house and I think I run up and down the stairs at least 25 times per day! There’s always something to be doing – loads of laundry, cleaning out the diaper pail, cleaning bottles, preparing bottles, feeding, changing, bathing, rocking babies, cleaning the house, maintaining the yard, and if everything is done and the babies are happy, the house is reasonably clean, and the dog is walked, then I need to be sleeping!

Lucky for me, I’m not much of a “sit still” type of person. Neighbors have already commented that our yard looks too nice and the house is too clean for having newborn twins, but I guess I’m just good at keeping things up. It’s amazing what I can accomplish in a half hour while the boys are asleep. I’m making it to the gym three days per week, not as often as before, but still pretty good, considering my schedule. But the absolute hardest part of parenting newborn twins is nighttime. I find it very difficult to get up and feed/burp/change a baby. Mostly the second time is most difficult, so once they’re down to one feeding per night, life will seem much easier. We started out with both babies in bed with us, and soon found out that didn’t work well. We were up most of the night! Other twin parents suggested what worked for them – each parent takes a baby to a different bedroom and is responsible for only one of them all night. I’ve found that if I’m in bed by 9 p.m., I can get in about six and a half hours sleep by 5 a.m. when I need to get up. People with one baby have it easy – you could simply trade nights taking care of the baby and get a full night’s sleep every other night. But with twins, it’s too much work for one person to take them both all night. Everyone keeps telling us, things get easier and the time passes quickly and soon they’ll be sleeping through the night - although I’ve heard a few horror stories about children who didn’t sleep through the night until age two.

I think I’m still in the bonding stage with the twins this week. Women who carry their child seem to be bonded by the time birth occurs, but in my case, it seem to be happening post birth. One thing I’ve felt is that there is no feedback from the twins at this age, and other parents have confirmed they had the same feeling. Not that it’s expected by any means, but you put so much work and effort into nurturing the little guys and they just look back at you like they don’t know you. I’m looking forward to that first grin or smile, the first little hug, or any sign that I’m recognized and loved. I know it’ll happen soon enough and be worth every ounce of effort!

This morning I hated to leave them at home when I left for work, even though work seems like a break at this point. But I can tell I’m falling in love with the little guys and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them. Their eyes are open more now and I get lost in those beautiful little pools of brown. I keep wondering what it’ll be like to play ball with them in the park, to read to them, or help them explore and learn. Everyone says to appreciate them when they’re so young and tiny, because it goes by fast and you can never go back to that innocent stage. I’m trying to focus on living in the present and being where I need to be right now for the babies. Every new day brings so much work and challenge, worrying about next week, next month or next year is overwhelming, so I’m finding living in the present to be easier than ever.

Two Dads "2 Be" No More - The Boys are Home!

2008-05-08T11:12:00.001-06:00

So May 3rd it was! Nick called me just as I was about to walk out the door for the airport and let me know we were officially daddies! I filled out the stork signs with their names, weights, and lengths, stuck them in the front yard under cover of darkness, and headed to the airport.

I arrived in San Diego early Saturday and friends of ours picked me up and took me straight to the hospital where I met our newborn sons, one at 6 pounds, 2 oz. and the other at 5 pounds, 5 oz. They were so tiny, but beautiful. It all seemed so surreal being in the nursery with them and the other babies. Our boys were swaddled and very quiet compared to some of the other babies. I spent some time getting to know them and all the staff was great. They treated us both as parents, just like the rest. Actually, there was another gay couple about ready to head back to the East Coast with their twins as well, so this hospital seemed used to having same sex parents and surrogates.

We took the boys up to see our surrogate and at first sight, I felt so sorry for her. She was resting, full of morphine for the pain from the c-section. Her family had been there with her through the night but had left to get some rest. We showed her the boys and let her hold them for a while, but then let her get back to sleep. We left the babies to go to our friends’ house to take showers and have dinner, then back to the hospital for the evening to spend time with the boys. We bought our surrogate a spa package, some flowers, and a card to cheer her up before heading back to the nursery to spend time with the babies.

Sunday afternoon, they were released from the hospital – much sooner than expected. We talked to the pediatrician Sunday morning and she said since their lung development was perfect and they were eating, they could go home. I had planned to fly back home Sunday afternoon, expecting them to be in the hospital for a few days, so I cancelled my flight and we booked a flight together on Monday afternoon.

Sunday we took the boys for another visit with our surrogate, then left and went on our first family outing – Sunday dinner and a trip to Target. We soon discovered how much attention you get with two very cute newborns with people coming up to see them and ask questions. People seemed to just understand that we were both the parents, and no one said anything negative to us. The boys just slept through it all.

Sunday night was interesting, to say the least. All four of us were packed into a double bed in a guest room. It was confusing when they’d wake up, looking for a bottle, looking for bibs and diapers. By dawn we were exhausted, but probably got four to five hours of sleep. Monday morning a good friend of our drove down from L.A. to visit us and see the babies. We enjoyed visiting with him as we packed up and got ready to leave. We went out to eat with friends at a diner before heading back to visit our surrogate and then we headed for the airport.

Our surrogate was doing much better, walking around and eating. Her family was visiting her and her daughter got to see the babies. We were worried about her becoming depressed once the babies were gone, and she said nurses kept asking her if she was feeling bad about it. She said she was fine and knew up front this was the process and that they weren’t her children. She seemed fine, but I still worry about her in the coming days. We’re keeping in close contact with her by phone and e-mail and plan on seeing her in the future. We plan on taking the boys back to San Diego since it’s a short plane ride and a great place to take kids for vacation. Plus we have plenty of people visit there, so we’ll be back in a few years. I think we both really feel a close bond with our surrogate now and consider her a special part of our family tree.

The flight home went well, other than schlepping all our luggage into the airport and getting through security. We were flying on standby passes from a friend who works for an airline. Again, everyone was incredibly helpful and friendly in the airport when the saw we had babies. Luckily there wasn’t a line at the security checkpoint because it was quite a process. When you fly standby, you’re already subject to extra checking in security. I think it was just a bit overwhelming because I’d never done this before, but we got through in plenty of time and drew a small crowd at the gate while waiting to get on the plane. They gave us each two seats in the same row so each baby stayed in his car seat. I think that made the flight much easier, and neither boy cried at all during the flight.

We arrived back home around 8 p.m., but were up until midnight putting things away and settling in. Our dog nearly hyperventilated when she met the babies and we think she believes they’re her own to care for. She nuzzled them and wanted to lick them all over, like newborn puppies. She’s right there when we feed them and gets up with is in the middle of the night. I was worried she’d be jealous, but it seems she’s accepted them as members of her “pack”, so that’s a relief. Neighbors have been bringing us dinner and offering help, so if we just figure out how to get a decent night’s sleep, we’d be set. Last night they really kicked our butts! We’re going to seek advice from other twin parents to see if we can avoid hiring a night nurse to get some sleep.

I’ll post more on the babies’ first week home as I find time, but now they’re asleep so I need to get a shower while I can.

Here they come!

2008-05-03T02:15:00.002-06:00

It's 2 a.m., May 3rd. Nick just called me from California and our surrogate's water broke! My flight leaves at 7 a.m., so I very well may miss the birth, but he has a video camera and I'll be there as soon as possible.

They had scheduled a c-section for today, so I booked my flight last evening. I'm so incredibly tired, yet so awake at the same time. I'm packed, will take a shower, and head to the airport in 3 hours. Dog sitters are arranged, two signs with the babie's names are ready to be placed in the front yard announcing the birth. A new chapter in my life is about to begin!

April 17, 2008

2008-04-17T20:25:00.003-06:00

We received a call yesterday from our surrogate that she was having contractions and heading to the hospital, so Nick already flew out to San Diego to be nearby. They ended up stopping the contractions and gave her a steroid to speed the lung development of the babies in anticipation of delivery within seven days. They sent her home and some decision is supposed to be made tomorrow as to whether they think it’s time for birth or not. If so, the plan is that I’ll fly out for the birth and then return home the following day. Nick can work from San Diego while I cannot, and I need to save my vacation for when they come home. The doctor said they should be in the NICU a minimum of seven days, so I’ll fly back out to help Nick bring the boys home. But then birth could be quick, meaning I’ll miss it. I’ll be upset if I miss it, but it’s not the end of the world. I’ll bond as soon as I see them, but I’ve always wanted to be there for that once-in-a-lifetime event.

My head was spinning today, and I continued my attempt at preparing the nest here at home. It seems like everyone’s giving me advice and words of encouragement. I’ve received contradictory advice on diapers though. “Huggies. You’ve got to use them”. “Get Luvs – they’re the only ones that prevent blow outs”. “Get the Costco brand. They’re just as good and half the price”. OK, I’ve decided diapers are like buying jeans. You have to try on 15 different cuts and brands before you find a pair that fit you perfect and make your ass look good!

I received a copy of Details magazine today and it had an article titled, “The Gay Baby Boom”. I guess Details knows who butters their bread! I found it interesting that they said single gay men who adopt or have a baby via surrogate and egg donor find that having a baby makes them more attractive in the dating scene. I would have thought the opposite, but it said gay men with a child are seen as more stable.

If the birth isn’t scheduled for Saturday, then, as a neighbor suggested, I should do something tomorrow I won’t be able to do for a long time. Maybe a pedicure? Go out to lunch and read a magazine? Rid the house of wine? It’s supposed to be a beautiful, warm day so maybe I’ll take the dog to Petsmart (she goes nuts) and a nice, long walk in the park.

Down to the Wire

2008-04-15T09:01:00.001-06:00

I’ve been busy with last minute preparations – every day I seem to think of one more thing that needs to be done, one more chore around the house I don’t think I’ll have time for once the boys arrive. Our baby shower was a wonderful success and we received so many things we’ll need from our friends and neighbors. I don’t think I’ve ever opened so many presents at once in my life. We still have a few things to buy, and I’m sure there will be things we didn’t anticipate that we’ll get once the boys are here.

The nursery is complete, other than missing the dresser and changing table. We ordered it with the cribs last December, and it looks like it’s not coming anytime soon. Apparently all furniture is now made in Asia and takes months to get to the U.S. I guess we’ll figure something out. I washed all their clothes in Dreft last week, and I discovered the joy of folding tiny clothes and sorting out little socks. We installed a video monitor, put together vibrating, music-playing swings, and made space in the storage room for diapers and items we won’t need immediately, like high chairs.

This past weekend was busy with yard work, window cleaning, another neighborhood 1st birthday party, and time with friends. I’m already feeling exhausted, so I suppose I should get used to this feeling. Our surrogate is on bed rest and feeling very uncomfortable with both babies kicking. She’s still scheduled for a May 5th birth, but we know it could come sooner. I think our biggest fear at this point is getting a call that they’re coming “right now” and we don’t get a chance to be there in time for the birth. If all goes as scheduled on the 5th, we’ll fly out on the 4th. We’re hoping they keep growing for the next three weeks and won’t need to spend time, or not much time, in the NICU anyway. They were estimated to be over 4 pounds each a couple weeks ago, so they’re doing well for size.

I’ve recently had a few panicky dreams, usually with me alone with the babies, unable to do things I need to do. I’ve been told this is normal for first time parents. Mostly my thoughts are about what they’ll look like, what their personalities will be like, what it’ll be like to run errands with one or both of them. I tend to get a little panicky in anticipation of any huge, life-altering event. I don’t know why I worry so much about all the little details. Like everyone with babies tells me, you just do what you have to do, and as difficult as it is at times, it’s wonderful!

I had one more major purchase last month. After trying the baby car seats in my old car and figuring out how to wedge the double stroller into the trunk, I realized that it just wasn’t going to work. I had to move the driver’s seat up so far, my knees were against the dash board. I looked online at minivans for about five minutes before deciding against buying one. I don’t like how minivans handle, it would be too big for our garage, and then they don’t get the best gas mileage. I had noticed that Prius’ have plenty of leg room in the back seat, plus the hatchback, so I took the baby gear down to the Toyota dealership to see how it would all fit. There was plenty of room, plus space in the rear for the stroller and diaper bags. I don’t know if it’s an optical illusion or what, but Prius’ are bigger than they look. So after years with no car payment, it was time to buy something new and I’m very happy with my Prius and the 48 mpg. I’m getting.

We finally came to a compromise on one other issue – church. Nick had been going to a Catholic church in recent years and insisted that the babies be baptized. I pointed out all my problems with the Catholic Church, and I had a huge problem with him trying to raise them Catholic. The compromise was to join a Presbyterian church that’s somewhat similar in liturgy to Catholicism, but very different in doctrine. We found out many of our neighbors attend this church, and they accept gay people as they are. In fact, they were thrilled to find out that we were a couple having children. It’s a very open, caring environment, and the church is very much into environmentalism and global and local missions, so we feel very comfortable and welcome in this church.

Babies Still Growing!

2008-02-20T15:32:00.001-07:00

It’s been a while since an update, but the babies have been growing. The latest report is that they’re about a pound and a half each, in the 90th percentile for size and very active. (my apologies to our poor surrogate for the nighttime kicking!) That’s great, since they’re twins. We have another appointment in a couple weeks, but so far everything is going great. The doctor also set the date for birth (induced labor or c-section, depending) for May 5th, an entire month earlier than the original due date. I can’t believe we only have about 9 weeks!

We’re still waiting on the nursery furniture to arrive, but the room is painted, closet organizer is in, and we already have some clothes, diapers and other things donated by neighbors who had leftovers. We’ve been gathering names, addresses, and e-mail addresses for our neighbor who’s coordinating our baby shower next month. I think we’re inviting over 70 people, so it could be a full house. We’ll also serve brunch and Mimosas, so it should be festive. I never imagined I'd be having a baby shower in my lifetime, but it's going to be fun.

With the date closing in, I’ve had odd dreams – some scary, like me being home alone with the babies and unable to leave or get any sleep. Others have been about playing with them when they’re older and crawling. More than one person told me this is typical for first time parents who don’t really know what to expect. I suppose it’s anxiety mixed with anticipation and happiness. Everyone says the parental instinct kicks in and you do what you have to do. I also wonder what they’ll look like all the time, how tall they’ll become and what activities they’ll someday participate in.

I haven’t talked much to my parents lately. Maybe twice this year to my mom. She keeps telling me to pray for them in the womb, check out their church website for parenting tips, and other odd things. I think she’s really gone off the deep end with her religious beliefs at this point. I have no contact with any other family members and we’re not inviting them to the baby shower. I doubt they’d drive all the way anyway, but I dont' think I would feel comfortable with them here. I have a feeling they may come out sometime after the boys are born, and I’m afraid I’ll dread it with all the “in your face” religion I’ve been getting. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Genetic Testing Complete

2008-01-11T15:22:00.001-07:00

We received our package yesterday with a DVD of the 4-D ultrasound plus still pictures. Nick wasn’t impressed with the quality, so they’re doing it over. But I could see one face fairly well and hands and feet. It would probably help to have a doctor there to explain what you’re seeing. We also received the results of genetic testing and everything came back fine. Having a handicapped brother and seeing what he’s gone through in life, this is a great relief. Mostly we did the testing in order to be prepared if something was wrong. I’d hate to find out a baby had a birth defect at the actual time of birth.

As the date of birth draws nearer each day, I find myself wondering how my life will change. Sometimes I think about the logistics of it all – how will I get ready in the morning, walk the dog, change diapers, feed babies, etc.? But I'm forgetting that parents actually fall in love with their babies, these little, helpless human beings. In the beginning it’s just taking care of basic needs, but soon they’ll be able to interact with us and talk. I don’t think it’s anything I can possibly understand until it happens. There’s no need to worry or wonder. It’ll just happen and be amazing.

We Know the Sexes!

2008-01-03T07:54:00.001-07:00

The holidays are over and it’s time for an update.

Our surrogate flew out to visit us from California for four days the week before Christmas. It was exciting to get to know her better and we did our best to make her feel at home and like a part of our family. She had never been to our city, so we gave her the tour, took her out to dinner two nights and one night we all worked together to prepare a home-cooked meal. She also went with us on a shopping trip to Babies R Us, giving us pointers on things to get and what’s really unnecessary. It sounds like first time parents usually buy more than they need and end up giving many things away. Since she’s already a parent, any advice she had was very welcome. She also attended our neighborhood Christmas party and met many of our neighbors and their kids/babies. I did a little baby sitting for a while to give a friend time to eat and socialize at the party, so hopefully our surrogate got a chance to feel comfortable with us becoming parents.

Christmas was rather uneventful at our house as I caught a nasty cold. I haven’t had a cold or flu in years, so I’m not happy with this! We spent New Year’s Eve at our neighbor’s house with several other couples, where I lost my voice during a round of Cranium. I still don’t have it back completely, but don’t really feel bad at this point.

And now on to the exciting news! Our surrogate went to the doctor on New Year’s Eve for a 4-D ultrasound to find out the sexes of the babies. They’re also sending us a DVD so we can see their faces and see them actually moving around. So the news is, we’ve got two boys! Nick and our surrogate both thought it was two boys, and I was expecting a boy and a girl. I’m not sure why I didn’t think about the possibility of two girls, but boys it is. We were hoping for one of each, but we’re happy with what we’ve got. So far we have one boy’s name picked out, but haven’t decided on the second. We’re planning on painting the nursery soon, now that we know we can go with a design for boys. The room next door to the nursery, currently a guest room, will become one of the boys’ rooms once we decide it’s time to split them up. It’s already a grey/blue color, so all we’ll need to do is get rid of the bed in that room. Neighbors down the street with 8 month old twins already split them up into separate rooms because one keeps the other one awake, so it’s hard to say when we’ll need the second room.

The next milestone will be testing for birth defects next week. I’m not too worried about it and don’t expect anything, but I would want to know well in advance of any issues and be prepared.

Happy New Year!

The Babies are Coming for a Visit (with our surrogate!)

2007-12-12T15:58:00.000-07:00

Time for another update! Our surrogate will arrive in a week, so our babies will be in our home for the first time. She’s now in week 15, and we’ll soon find out the sexes. I’m not sure what we’ll do to entertain our surrogate, but she said she tires easily, so we’ll probably take things easy. She’ll attend a neighborhood Christmas party with us and meet all our friends and all the other kids/babies on our block.

Last week we went to Babies R Us and bought a double stroller and car seats. With so many brands and types, it can be confusing. I felt a little strange because the sales women would ignore me, assuming that I wasn’t a parent, since Nick was the first to talk to them. The store was way out in the suburbs where they’re probably not used to a “two daddies” situation. I think one of them figured it out though. I kept wondering if I should just blurt it out that we’re both the parents and wait for the reaction. Once the babies are with us, we’ll have to explain this to strangers over and over. I’m sure I’ll get used to the reactions in public. Hopefully most won’t be negative – or maybe I’m just over thinking this!

The nursery is still an empty room with a stroller in the middle. We first decided on a theme and thought about doing a mural on one wall, but I think we’re leaning toward something simpler. I researched “nursery colors” and muted tones are suggested to create a calm environment. We want to get the beds that grow from crib to twin bed, so it’s going to be expensive.

My mother called three months after our last call, just to see how I was doing. That hasn’t happened in 10 – 15 years! I wondered what she wanted, and eventually she got around to asking about the babies, the real reason for her call, I suspect. I guess my parents have had time to think about it and must want to be part of their lives on some level. It’ll be interesting to see how things turn out.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

Nick brought home ten unisex outfits the other day and hung them in the nursery closet. I’m not sure why he bought them when we’re sure to get plenty of clothes at the baby shower next Spring, not to mention all the hand-me-downs we’re sure to get. On the one hand, I want to be prepared now, but then we need to see what gifts we receive first. We’re discussing furniture and a theme for the nursery, so I see painting in my future!

Last weekend I received a call from my parent’s house, so my first thought was that somebody died or was near death. My mom called, “just to see how you’re doing”, which is the first time I ever remember her calling just to ask about me. I hadn’t spoken to her since telling her about the babies in early September, when she told me this was “a sign of the end times”. Anyway, after about a half hour of her going on about herself and her church, she asked how the babies were doing. I suspect this was the real purpose of her call. Apparently, the realization of actually becoming a grandparent has made her happy after all.

I’m sure it’s not easy for my parents to be “out” about the babies. To my knowledge, no one else in the family knows I’m gay, so explaining grandchildren to other family members will require explaining my situation. We don’t have a large family and I’m not close to any aunts, uncles or cousins, so I never found it necessary to come out to other family members. I only see them at funerals and my parents made it clear they didn’t want the rest of the family to know. I could care less, but they’re the ones who interact with everyone else, so I let it go. It’ll be interesting to see how this evolves.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and we have plenty to be thankful for. We only have one guest coming for dinner, but we’ll probably have enough food to eat leftovers for the next week. I’m looking forward to four days off work, plenty of rest, and time spent with friends.

A Quick Update

2007-11-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

Sorry no updates for the past week, but we’re somewhat in a “holding pattern” at the moment. Our surrogate just hit the 11th week, so we have one more week until the first milestone – the beginning of the second trimester. The highest risk of losing a one of the babies is during the first trimester, so it seems to be standard practice that couples wait until the second trimester to begin preparations. But the babies are fine and growing by the day.

Some days I think about what it will be like to care for twin babies, how exhausted I will be, or how many diapers we’ll go through in a day. All that work sounds very daunting to me! But then my thoughts change when I realize I won’t just be a sleep-deprived babysitter, but a father raising my children – my family.

This will probably be the biggest change in my life and sometimes, change can be a little scary. The dynamics of my relationship with Nick will change too, as we double the size of our household. I’d like to think our relationship won’t be stressed in the beginning, but I’m sure it will. I’ve been watching the TLC show, “John and Kate Plus 8” lately for some reason. Maybe I think if I watch them handle sextuplets and twins at the same time, one set of twins will seem easy! But they seem to be great parents and I love Kate's organizational skills. They don’t hide their stress, but through it all they love each other and their lives.

After the beginning of the second trimester, the next big milestone will be finding out the sexes. We’ve picked out one male name, but will wait until we know before picking more. I’m wondering more and more what they’ll look like, what their personalities will be like, and how they’ll grow and change with time. I can’t believe that a year from now, they’ll almost be 6 months old!

Babysitting - A Little O.J.T.

2007-11-05T13:34:00.000-07:00

We babysat a seven-month-old this weekend, which was good on-the-job training for me. His parents are neighbors and friends of ours. They haven’t been out together sans-baby much at all since the birth, so they got a break and I learned a little about what it feels like to be responsible for a live baby. While changing a poopy diaper, all I could think was, “I’m going to have to do this for more than two years?” He just laughed and giggled, as if this were something funny! We enjoyed taking care of him and he seemed to like the attention.

We had a man come to measure for closet organizers, our fist step toward preparing the home for twins. We’ve decided not to prepare too much until we’re into the second trimester, which will be next month. Our surrogate will be visiting sometime around Christmas, so we may begin the nursery prior to her arrival.

From what I’ve read about surrogates, even though they aren’t biologically bonded to the baby, they do tend to feel a bond and have a concern for the child beyond birth. We’ve agreed that we’ll send our surrogate updates on the babies after they’re born and maintain contact with her. Some couples and surrogates I’ve read about became great friends for years. Our surrogate wanted to come see where they’ll live, which makes sense to me. Having our surrogate so far away, we feel like we’re missing the experience of the actual pregnancy. This will give us a chance to bond more with our surrogate and feel what it’s like to have our babies alive and kicking in our home. Hopefully the visit will give our surrogate a sense of comfort with us and the home we’ll provide for our children.

Debunking the Anti-Gay Parenting Myth

2007-11-01T09:53:00.000-06:00

Recently I did a little reading about the opposition to gay parenting online out of morbid curiosity, I suppose. I read an article by Glenn Stanton, “Why Children Need Father-Love and Mother Love”. Mr. Stanton stated, “Much of the value mothers and fathers bring to their children is due to the fact that mothers and fathers are different. And by cooperating together and complementing each other in their differences, they provide these good things that same-sex caregivers cannot.”

The article goes on to quote Dr. Kyle Pruett of Yale Medical School who has written a book, “Fatherneed: Why Father Care is as Essential as Mother Care For Your Child”. Dr. Pruett states that, “fathers do not mother” and that a father brings unique contributions to parenting that a mother cannot, and then the opposite for mothers. Some of the other claims I found in this article were:

Fathers Push Limits; Mothers Encourage Security
Mothers and Fathers Communicate Differently
Mothers and Fathers Play Differently
Mothers and Fathers Parent Differently
Mothers and Fathers Discipline Differently
Fathers and Mothers Prepare Children for Life Differently
Fathers Provide A Look at the World of Men; Mothers, the World of Women
Fathers and Mothers Teach Respect for the Opposite Sex
Fathers Connect Children with Job Markets

The article concluded that children need access to the different and complementary ways that mothers and fathers parent. It also claimed that children of same-sex parents will suffer from a lack of confidence, security, and independence, among other preposterous assumptions.

I agree that two heterosexual men with the personalities and characteristics of my own father raising a child would not be a good thing. The child would live in squalor, eat nothing but fast food and junk food, be poorly clothed and probably grow up to be an insensitive sportsaholic!

But these “studies” are completely off base because they assume that homosexual parents have strictly heterosexual characteristics and personalities. It seems that gay men and lesbians are stereotyped as sissies and bull dikes by the anti-gay crowd, but for this argument, we suddenly all take on the characteristics of heterosexuals. So which is it?

If they would have examined gay and lesbian couples, they would have seen that masculine and feminine elements provided by heterosexual parents are present in gay relationships. They’re just not defined in the traditional, heterosexual way and may not be limited to one partner or the other. One partner doesn’t necessarily play the feminine mother role while the other plays a masculine father role, but feminine and masculine elements are represented just as well as in the average heterosexual couple.

I also didn’t see in this article any mention of heterosexual parents who don’t play traditional parenting roles. I know a couple where the mother is the aggressive and competitive primary wage earner for the family and the father stays home with the children, cooks, cleans, and does the laundry.

In our relationship, for instance, Nick is athletic and will teach our children sports. He’s also highly competitive and successful in the business world. He’s a great cook and a nurturer. I’m creative, keep a clean, well-organized home, and am likely to play more of a typical heterosexual father’s role with nurturing.

As far as teaching respect for the opposite sex, I don’t understand where this claim came from. I assume that this relates to the stereotype of man-hating lesbians and woman-hating gay men, but there were no facts to back up the claim that gay parents cannot or will not teach their children to respect the opposite sex. I’ve personally never encountered a disrespect of the opposite sex in the gay community and certainly wouldn’t teach it to my children.

Nick and I are not two identical personalities who will be two-dimensional parents. Our personalities complement each other and I have no doubt that we’re well-equipped as a couple to provide our children with a well-rounded childhood that exposes them to a healthy dose of femininity and masculinity. If neither of us had nurturing tendencies, we wouldn’t want to have children. Both of us will mother and father our children, as is fitting with our unique personalities. Anti-gay parenting claims are based on flawed thinking, prejudice, and fear. Only time and demonstration that we are capable parents will cause people to think for themselves, challenge prejudice and bigoted teachings, and eventually change negative attitudes toward gay parenting!

Naming Etiquette - Is there Any?

2007-10-31T11:38:00.000-06:00

We’ve begun discussing baby names and have one boy’s name picked out so far. I’ve agreed not to divulge that name to any other human as baby names have apparently been “stolen” around our neighborhood prior to birth. I doubt the names were actually swiped, but how many Aidens can one neighborhood handle?

But back to the name game, we’ve initially decided that the babies will have both our last names and they’ll be hyphenated. At first this sounded like a simple solution, until I began considering names. The children would basically end up with four names, and our last names don’t exactly hyphenate well. Then I wondered what would happen when (if) our son someday married. Would his wife take the hyphenated name? A daughter could easily take her husband’s name, or opt to keep our name. It just seems like later in life, the hyphenated last name could become complicated. I’m not sure what most gay parents do about this since there really is no set etiquette that I’ve heard of.

My next thought was to legally change my last name to Nick’s. His last name is actually similar in sound to mine and I’d prefer that we all have just one family name. No one in his family shares his last name and I never cared much for my last name. At this point, I don’t feel much, if any, connection to the name or my family. If my parents found out, I’m sure they wouldn’t be happy, but they’ve already condemned me to hell. What more could they do to me? I’m sure they’d find out considering I’m a partial owner of their house and send my part of the mortgage payment each month to my mother. If I changed my name, could this have any effect on a possible future inheritance from them? Maybe I’m over-thinking this.

I looked into the process and the actual name change doesn’t appear to be the difficult part. After changing my name, I’d then have to get a new driver’s license, passport, social security card, credit card, health care card, etc. and then report it to my employer. If I ever applied for a job where a background check was conducted, I believe I would have to explain the name change.

Changing my name sounds like a lot of work. My main reason for considering a name change is to make life easier on the kids. Would it be embarrassing for them to have a hyphenated last name? Every time their full name is called in class, they’ll stand out. Another option would be to give them only Nick’s last name, and then I would be the oddball in the family. I don’t care much for that solution, but it may be the best option for the kids. I’ll continue my research and see what other gay couples have done.

Gay Parents - What Will Our Children Experience?

2007-10-30T11:37:00.000-06:00

Halloween is near and this past weekend brought parties and pumpkin carving to our neighborhood. Friday we attended a costume party with a mix of young families, babies, toddlers, and gay men. This may sound like an odd mix of people, but typical of where we live. Gatherings like this are great for me to spend more time with babies since I haven’t had much experience with them. I’m finding out that some babies are much “higher maintenance” than others. I’ve been asking lots of questions, like, “How often does he eat at six months” and “When did she start sleeping through the night?” One friend showed me her feeding/diaper changing log from when her twins were babies. With twins, this is a necessity to keep track of what and when they eat. I’m thinking about going high tech with an Excel spreadsheet to log all this information since we have a spare laptop. I can see the pie charts and graphs already, possibly comparing the feeding input to pooping output!

Sunday was our neighborhood’s second annual pumpkin carving party in the park where kids and parents gathered to carve out extravagant pieces of art or, in my case, a free-hand, traditional jack-o-lantern. The weather was warm and perfect for the occasion. Next year we’ll be out there with the twins, dressed in some sort of goofy baby costumes for sure.

I’ve been reading a suggested book the past few days, “Families Like Ours – Children of Gay Parents Tell it Like it Is”, by Abigail Garner. The book documented the experiences of children who grew up with gay parents. Many of the adult children described experiences of having their parents divorce after one parent came out – a very different experience than our kids will have. But much of the information they provided still applies. There were also a few who grew up with two gay parents from the beginning. A major concern I had before diving into parenthood was how the kids would be treated by society. We all know how cruel kids can be.

The book brought up issues I never thought of, such as grade school projects where kids create Mother’s Day cards or other family discussions where everyone is assumed to have a mommy and daddy. It’s going to be important for us to meet with our children’s teachers each year to explain our family situation and probably have a stronger than average relationship with their teachers. During grade school, the issues documented in the book were generally smaller and along these lines. Middle School or Junior High sounds like the time larger problems will arise.

Middle School is a difficult time for many students, but for children of gay parents, it’s often worse. This is the time when kids start discussing sexuality and no one wants to be outside the norm. One issue discussed in the book that concerned me was early sexual activity by children of gay parents. Children sometimes feel compelled to prove their heterosexuality at a young age if their peers accuse them of being gay. Other problems some of the children in the book encountered were anti-gay teachers, hostility or violence from peers, feeling a need to protect their parents from anti-gay sentiment, and learning when it’s ok to be “out” about their families and when it’s better to stay closeted. By high school, the problems usually subside to some extent. Then in college, children of gay parents tend to experience positive reinforcement for growing up in non-traditional families.

It seems like all the children documented in this book said that the earlier parents openly discuss the fact that they’re gay, the better. Even if the child was born with two gay parents, there needs to be an open, age-appropriate discussion before they start hearing anti-gay statements, or even the term, “that’s so gay!” If you wait until high school to have any discussion, they may have already begun to learn homophobia from peers. With that being said, the book points out that children raised in gay-friendly neighborhoods experience far fewer issues, which I suspect (hope!) will be the case for us. Also, because most of the children interviewed were adults, they grew up in the ‘70s, ‘80s and early ‘90s. I imagine that as time has passed and societal attitudes toward gay people have changed, gay parenting should be easier in the 21st century.

Thinking About Preparations

2007-10-26T14:24:00.001-06:00

News of the twins spread fast throughout our neighborhood. We haven’t had a single negative reaction, and people I barely know have offered congratulations. Two different couples on our block had twins this year, so we’re getting plenty of advice from new parents. Another friend and neighbor offered to organize our baby shower and other neighbors have offered hand-me-down clothing. I think a lot of the baby clothes on our block are on their third baby by now. Everyone has advice on the best strollers, the best toys, beds, bouncy things, etc. One person says that with twins, you have to feed them at the same time, another says it’s impossible. Keep a tight schedule or just go with the flow. Knowing myself, I think keeping on schedule will be the way we go.

We’re waiting until the end of the first trimester to begin preparing the nursery and making purchases, but I feel like I should be doing something at this point. Our coat closet in the front entry is overstuffed, so I think a cleanout and purchase of some sort of closet organizers might be a good place to start. I’m thinking about the storage we’ll need on the main level of the house. We have a large, open living room/dining room/kitchen that’s almost loft-like, so there will be no easy hiding of messes. I need storage that looks nice. Isn’t there a container-specific store? I’m thinking large wicker baskets, maybe something stackable.

I’ve suggested removing the dining table and chairs that we never use and making that area the baby zone. I’ve seen how the toys and swings can quickly fill part of a living room fast, so with two, I can only imagine. I’m always thinking five steps ahead of myself. It’s only October, but everyone says the months of pregnancy go by fast. November’s less than a week away already.

We had a bit of a scare two weekends ago when our surrogate called and said she was “bleeding” and heading to the emergency room. She called back and said they told her everything was fine and the bleeding was normal after IVF. Nick flew out to San Diego the following Monday to go with our surrogate to her regular doctor. Again, two heartbeats were confirmed and everything is fine. While he was there, Nick toured the hospital where they’ll be born and did a pre-check-in. He said the staff was friendly and had no problem with the “two daddies and a surrogate” situation.

We’ve also been looking into daycare centers. With two babies, it looks like this could cost over $2500 per month! They seem to have many rules, lots of holidays, and big deposits – as if a newborn could do $1000 damage to their building. If it’s going to cost that much, I might as well quit my job and stay home all day to take care of the babies! I think I’d have to find at least a part time job though – how would I re-enter the workforce in five years? I’ve noticed several new moms in our neighborhood work part time, so maybe this is an option. I hate the thought of my children spending long days in daycare.

Telling the Grandparents-To-Be

2007-10-26T09:52:00.000-06:00

A couple weeks later, we received confirmation from the doctor that our surrogate was indeed pregnant with twins. There was a one week period where the doctor told us that, based on hormone levels, there could be more than two, so the twin confirmation was a relief! More than two and we’d look like one of those nutty families on TV with 15 kids! Well, maybe not, but three babies at once sounds like chaos to me.

With the pregnancy confirmed, I pondered what, if anything, I would say to my parents. They live in another city and haven’t contacted me in 15 years unless they want something from me. I call them every couple months just to check up on them, but even then the conversation is generally a monologue from my mother who goes on and on about the mundane intricacies of her life, which usually entails bargains she found on QVC or “what a good Christian” so-and-so is. My father’s a simple, honest blue-collar retiree who never says much on the phone other than “how’s the weather” or “how’s your car running”. They’re deeply religions people who make a production of praying in restaurants before eating, attend church every Sunday and have Bibles on their coffee table. As you can guess, they weren’t thrilled when I came out to them in 1993 while I was in college.

Looking back, I’ve really never had a great relationship with them, even as a child. I think they’ve always known I was different. My father has three interests: Jesus, sports and fishing. Me – not so much. I think he just never could figure out how to relate to me, so I never remember doing anything with him. My grandfather on my mother’s side used to take me on weekends and he was my father figure, teaching me woodworking, how to take care of a lawn, simple car maintenance, and the art of putting things back when you were finished with them. He didn’t care that I wasn’t interested in sports, although on occasion he’d take me fishing, which I didn’t like. But I put up with it because I enjoyed being around him.

I went back and forth for a few days before deciding whether to tell my parents about the babies. They had mentioned a few months ago that they might be driving through our city next Spring and would want to stay at our house. This was the only reason I first came up with for telling them. I would avoid explaining the situation with them in my house. I discussed it with a few friends, and everyone agreed that I should tell them. Some suggested that I might be surprised by their reaction, that when babies are involved, parents often change their tune toward their gay children. I still doubted they would be happy or accepting. But in the end I decided to tell them for one reason –honesty. If I never told them, what would I say to my children someday when they asked me why they had no grandparents? If I told them that their grandparents didn’t even know they existed, wouldn’t that suggest to my children that either I’m ashamed of them or that their existence is somehow shameful? I decided to tell my parents and whatever their reaction would be, at least I could someday tell my children the truth about their grandparents.

I called my parents and my father answered the phone. He asked if I’d done any traveling for work lately, so I responded by telling him that yes, I had traveled to Los Angeles recently. Then I dropped the bomb. He didn’t say much and sounded a bit like a deer caught in headlights. He asked how much it cost for the surrogate and commented that I’d have to change diapers – something he’s never done in his life. He put the phone down and went to get my mother, came back and said, “She’s doing the bills right now so she’s going to have to call you back”. So apparently doing bills is more important that finding out you’re going to be grandparents!

My mother called back a few hours later (my father didn’t mention my news to him) and I told her. As she always does, she hijacked the conversation and went on a preaching monologue about how her new church (some mega church with a money-swindling, anti-gay preacher) has helped her understand that homosexuality is absolutely wrong. Then she said that although I don’t lead a crazy “sex and drugs lifestyle” and that I’m a nice and honest person, I’m going to hell for eternity unless I leave my lifestyle and accept Jesus into my heart. Oh, and one more nugget – our having children is just another obvious sign of the “end times” and that Revelations is coming true before our eyes.

No congratulations, no acceptance of the babies as grandchildren. But then do I really want someone with such extreme religious views around my children anyway? She said she’d pray for my salvation, as she does every night. My dad said in the background, “Make sure he knows we won’t hate the babies!” Now there’s a quote for the baby book.

She said she loved me before hanging up, but I haven’t felt any love from them in many years. I’m sure they do, but I have to wonder what lies and hatred they hear at their church that affect how they interact with me. I know they don’t accept Nick as part of their family and they never ask about him. They’ll ask about the dog, but not Nick. They did meet him about five years ago when they visited us. They were nice to him, but still they never ask about him. I know I’m not the son they wanted and they aren’t the parents I would choose, but nothing can be done about that. They’re so sure of their narrow religious beliefs that there seems to be no room for compromise. Not even a way to agree to disagree. Either I turn straight and believe exactly as them, or I go to hell and burn for eternity. I researched their church online and it sounds rather cult-like, to be honest. I just don’t understand why people buy into this sort of religious extremism.

I haven’t heard from them since that conversation, not that I expected to. At this point I have no plans to call them. They know when the babies are due and if they’re interested, they can call me. My mother’s words to me were disturbing. I was a bit hurt, but really I didn’t expect more. The conversation clogged my mind for about three days. I reviewed my childhood in my mind, thinking about the relationship I had with my parents, considering what I plan to do different. I promised myself that my children will never feel like outcasts in their own family, no matter what they do or how they turn out. Then I moved on and dropped the matter from my mind. It was time to move forward, think positive, and focus on my true family – Nick and the twins.

The Transfer - Two Days I'll Never Forget

2007-10-25T09:23:00.000-06:00

You know those days in your life that remain so vivid in your memory forever? These two days were two just like that. Since Nick used air miles and I used a standby pass from a friend who works for an airline, we were on different flights. My flight left around 6 a.m. on a Sunday, so I was up at 3 a.m., not that I slept much. I was excited and worried at the same time. Worried about the dog, because we never both leave her at the same time. We tried a kennel years ago and that didn’t work out well for her. I lined up a couple neighbors who graciously took care of her in our absence, but I still worried.

I showered, dressed and went over details in the pre-dawn darkness before leaving Nick and the dog sound asleep in bed. (His flight didn’t leave until the afternoon). The security line was unusually short, although I received “extra attention” because I was flying standby. I arrived at my gate early enough to grab a croissant, juice and newspaper. The flight seemed quick and I arrived at LAX early. I don’t think I’ve ever seen LAX so dead, but then who wants to fly that early on a Sunday? I picked up a rental car and since I had time to kill, headed to our old neighborhood to visit a few neighbors I hadn’t seen in a couple years.

I finally met nick that afternoon at our hotel in Sherman Oaks. We had dinner at Denny’s and headed to the Galleria for a little shopping. At this point I was a zombie, having had so little sleep the night before. Back at the hotel, I dozed off in bed while Nick watched the Emmys live. Everyone on TV was complaining about the heat, but it didn’t seem so hot to me.

I slept surprisingly well, but woke early. We had time to hit Denny’s again for breakfast (was I really eating at Denny’s twice in 24 hours?) where a strange mix of tourists and what looked like poor, aspiring young actors came together for an unhealthy breakfast. There were framed prints of old ‘50s greasers on the wall and the smell of eggs, pancakes and bacon in the air. I picked at my omlette while we discussed parenting techniques and plans for the nursery.

We headed to the doctor’s office in Encino, not more than a couple miles away, but traffic down Sepulveda and Ventura Blvd. crawled along, taking multiple cycles to get through each stoplight. Strangely, I felt like I had returned home, seeing all the familiar palm tress and vegetation I missed after leaving California. But the gridlock traffic reminded me of my love/hate relationship with this city! We arrived at the office right on time and waited for about 30 minutes before going into the room with our surrogate. Nick had already met her, but this was my first time in person. The doctor called us into a small conference room where I set the big gift basket filled with shampoos, soaps, bath salts, and other spa items that I had schlepped all the way from home. This was our token of appreciation for what this woman was doing for us, although I don’t know how you can thank someone enough for doing this job.

The doctor showed us the two best embryos and had a detailed picture for us. She suggested only transferring the two because they were so viable. She said the chance of twins was around 20%, and we confirmed that we were willing to accept twins. I feel like I’ve known all year that we were destined to have twins, another strange feeling I can’t explain. As soon as I looked at those embryos, I knew those were both of our children. That strange feeling is also telling me that it’s a boy and a girl, so we’ll see in a couple months if it’s correct.

The doctor lead us to the room where our surrogate had been undergoing acupuncture for the past half hour or so. She was smiling, happy, nervous and a beautiful woman. They had her in stirrups, legs covered with a blanket, ready to accept the embryos. There was a large flat screen TV on the wall where we could see the live view of her womb, and then down in the corner of the screen was a live view of the embryos in a small dish. The embryos were actually in the next room, so we watched on the TV as someone sucked them both up into a catheter. A little window opened up and the catheter was passed to the doctor. We watched on the screen as the catheter was inserted and the embryos released. The doctor pointed out where they were, swimming around looking for a home. She gave us a picture of them both in the womb, as well as the close up picture of the embryos, our first pictures for the baby albums!

A man came back in for more acupuncture, so we had a few minutes to talk with our surrogate. She’s going to come to our house in December when we’ll get to know her better. It seems like such an odd relationship at this time. She’s incubating two babies for two men she barely knows, and we’re trusting someone we barely know to grow and nurture our babies for nine months. I wanted to get to know her more following the transfer, but I had to head back to the airport and Nick was staying in L.A. for work, so he had to leave too. The process was so quick. All those months leading up to what took 5 minutes. I felt a bit sad leaving her in that room, covered in acupuncture needles.

I headed back to LAX, expecting heavy traffic, but the traffic gods smiled on me that Monday morning and I was there in no time. I was on standby for a flight so I spent several hours in the airport until a seat was finally available. I read a magazine, kept an eye open for movie stars (LAX is the best place in L.A. for star sighting) and ate lunch in a bar, sharing a table with a kind, old Jewish man in traditional clothing who had just flown in from TelAviv. He gave me a package of some odd, unsalted pretzels that I ate as we discussed current events.

I arrived home late that evening where I was greeted by a very happy dog who survived being abandoned by both her daddies. The following Monday we received a call from our surrogate. She was throwing up and a home pregnancy test was positive! She said she knew it was twins because she never had morning sickness with her other two children, and higher hormone levels associated with twins can cause more sickness.

The Process of Surrogacy

2007-10-25T09:22:00.000-06:00

Once we decided to become parents, we first looked into adoption. We talked to a gay couple around the corner who has a five-year-old boy they adopted as a newborn, and they explained the process they went through. They told us which adoption agencies worked with gay parents and how the agencies try to get you to take an older, special needs child. I believe they even brought a child home, only to have him taken back just after they became attached. In the end, they were very lucky and adopted a newborn. The entire process took years for them. This didn’t really sound like the best option for us.

Friends of ours gave us the names of another gay couple nearby who were going through the surrogacy process, so we gave them a call, had a few phone conversations, and finally met them for wine and cheese at their home last winter. When we first met, they were only a couple weeks away from birth, so they were happy to show us their house and the nursery they created for their little boy. It was a beautiful nursery with everything ready to go and a closet organized with the next year’s worth of diapers, clothes and other assorted gear. The baby even had his own bathroom with vessel sink, granite counter and custom tile. All I could think was, “This is the way I should have been raised!” What a lucky kid.

The couple was near our ages and I could tell what great and loving parents they would be. They explained the process to us and recommended a few surrogacy agencies in California. I’m not sure how many agencies there cater to gay couples, but the reason for doing this in California is the law. California will recognize both of us as equal parents of our babies and both our names will go on the birth certificates. This means that all states must honor us as parents, no matter what the law is in individual states regarding same sex adoption/parenting.

A couple weeks later, they flew to California for the scheduled birth and came home three days later with their healthy baby boy. They’re very busy, but we see them from time to time and their little boy is growing fast. He’s now at the “fun baby stage”, as I call it, when he sleeps through the night, laughs, giggles and interacts with people. Soon he’ll be crawling and getting into things, so we’ll have to consult with them on home baby proofing. They’ve enjoyed their son so much, they’ve decided to go through the process again to have another child. I’ve mentioned that I tend to be stressed over situations I’ve never been through before, so seeing this couple go through the process has really helped me understand what to expect and calmed my nerves. Once all our children are a bit older, hopefully we can spend more time with them. I also think it’ll be important for our children to see another family just like theirs so they don’t grow up feeling like they’re all that different from other kids.

Nick did the research on the different agencies, comparing costs mostly. We settled on an agency in Los Angeles and began the process. In the beginning, we met with an attorney who walked us through the entire legal agreement (something like 60 pages) and he counseled us on choosing a surrogate and what to ask and look for. We interviewed a couple surrogates and chose one who lives in San Diego, so they babies will be born there.

The next step was to choose an egg donor. The agency had many to choose from, each thoroughly screened. They were all young, mostly college students, and they were beautiful. Some were working on advanced degrees, a couple were aspiring actresses (this is L.A., after all!) and they all seemed to have great genetics. We chose one who was of a similar “Euro-mutt” background as myself, because we had decided that Nick was going to be the biological father from the beginning. Unfortunately when they contacted her for the egg harvest, she had just found out she was pregnant. We had one day to choose another egg donor, so we picked another donor of European descent, although she didn’t look like me as did the first choice. I was a bit disappointed about this, but I got over it. Just the fact that any woman would do this, help someone she’ll never know create life, amazes me.

Nick had to fly out to L.A. for the sperm donation last winter. They quarantined the sperm for six months to ensure there was no disease and no risk to the surrogate. There was a little back and forth with the surrogate over the contract, so we met a few times with the attorney until everyone was happy and the process could begin.

From the time we signed the contract to actual conception took about four or five months. Partially due to the sperm quarantine, and then the surrogate and egg donor both underwent treatment to synch their cycles. The big day was near, and we hoped they would give us a couple weeks notice before the embryo transfer, but no such luck. We received the call and in two days, the eggs would be harvested and then the following day the embryos would be created. They created seven embryos and monitored them for three days or so to see which ones are the most viable. This left us scrambling for last minute plane tickets, hotel arrangements, and lining up dog care for a couple days.

Wanting Children - My Process

2007-10-24T11:11:00.001-06:00

In the early years of our relationship, there was no discussion of kids. My partner Nick never brought it up until about four years ago. Every now and then he’d say, “We need to get a baby”. He might as well have said, “We need to get an elephant” because, I was convinced it was just a phase and never going to happen. But soon he was talking about it more and more, to the point where I had to respond with all the reasons we shouldn’t have a baby. First of all, where would it come from? And then the rest of my reasons, we can’t afford it, we have no room (we were living in a small condo at the time), the neighbors and people in general would be un-accepting (we lived in a conservative suburban area), my parents would disown me, we both work full time, and finally, I just don’t see any benefit for myself in raising a child.

Much of my response was logical and probably typical of what most gay men would think when their partner suddenly brings up children. It was just crazy talk to me and an idea that had never entered my mind. Why couldn’t we just be happy where we were at in our relationship and continue down the same, easy road? For the next two or three years, every time he brought up babies, my heart skipped a beat and I cringed.

Every now and then we’d get into a heated argument over obtaining a baby. I’d leave the argument with some sort of open-ended statement that left my opinion ambiguous just to get past it and move to more peaceful waters. Nick later changed his mantra to, “Once we get a house, then we’ll get a baby”. Fine. We lived on the West Coast in an extremely expensive real estate market and there was no way we could afford a house.

So went the baby game for what seems like several years. He’d bring it up, I’d change the subject and then block it all from my mind. Then big changes came to our lives. Three yeas ago I found out I was being laid off from my job. I’d worked there for eight years and was initially devastated, scared, and pissed off. I had several months notice, but even so, life sucked. Soon after the layoff notice, Nick called me at work and asked if I’d be willing to move to another city. He wanted to apply for a promotion within his company that would require a major move. Without putting much thought into it, I agreed to the move.

Planning the move and realizing that we were able to afford a nice, new construction house in the new city took my mind off the misery of my final weeks at my job. I was looking forward to a new job and all the changes to come. There was still plenty to worry about, but overall, things went about as smoothly as they could. The housing market was strong and we had multiple offers on the condo above asking price within 48 hours of listing it. The new house wouldn’t be finished for a couple months, so I left with the dog and stayed in a hotel in the new city until the house was ready. In this time, I found a new job that I started right after moving into our new home.

At some point during the turmoil of this move, I stopped worrying. I usually consider myself an agnostic, but all of this change seemed to be orchestrated by a higher power. I can’t really explain where this feeling came from, but I just went with the flow, accepting my new job and finally settling into the new house. It all seemed like it was just meant to be.

Soon after moving into our new neighborhood, we began making friends with our neighbors. It’s a new urbanism development and very gay friendly with many gay couples and plenty of gay-friendly straight couples. This was so refreshing after dealing with nutty neighbors for years in our old condo complex. It’s a very social place where spontaneous happy hours occur on front porches, and walking the dog around the block can take an hour by the time you stop to talk to neighbors and friends along the way. And then there are all the babies. I’ve never been around so many babies in my life. In the past two years, 7 babies have been born just on our block. Twins are common too, probably due to all the “30-somethings” requiring fertility treatments. I saw men in my age group at backyard parties enjoying themselves, their babies strapped into a Baby Bjorn and a beer in one hand, giving their wives a break.

Having children was never an option I considered possible, so I never really thought about it deeply. But for the first time in my life, I saw friends go from childless, to pregnant, to first-time parents. I grew up in a small family with only one brother, so I never experienced seeing someone go through this process. Just seeing the big smile on a friend’s face when she showed me her pregnancy-confirming ultrasound picture after attempting to get pregnant for over a year piqued my interest. Why was she so happy? Why was I happy for her? Why did I find myself fighting back tears of joy at a baby shower for a couple who traveled a long and bumpy road to get pregnant?

All of this got me thinking about babies and life. Looking at my relationship with Nick, it was comfortable and had come to a plateau some time ago. So what else is there to experience in life? I’ve traveled the world, found a life partner, moved to a nice home, eat out at nice restaurants, have wonderful friends, and basically do what I want. But is that it? Do I just set my life on cruise control for its second half? All these people having babies say the same thing. “It changes your life forever!” And they mean it in a good way.

When I saw the joy in the eyes of new parents when they looked at their babies, I saw a joy I’ve never experienced. There had to be something to this parenting thing. I hadn’t heard anyone say they thought having a baby was a mistake that made their life miserable. I heard over and over, “It’s the hardest job you’ll ever have, but the most rewarding”.

I suppose I did have one reference in my life that gave me a little hint of what it’s like to love a child and all the work involved - our dog. Years ago Nick took me to a pet shop to see some puppy he liked. I had never had a dog and never considered getting one. The puppy was cute, but I told him to forget about it. Two days later, the puppy was in our apartment, an apartment that didn’t allow dogs. We were nearly evicted for having the dog, but that prompted us to look into buying the condo, which turned out to be a great move financially.

But back to the dog - the first time I took her out on her leash, I was grossed out when I had to watch her poop. We were up in the middle of the night taking her out to do her business, spent evenings potty training her, playing with her, took her to obedience school, and soon I fell in love. Some parental instinct kicked in and this dog became my child.

At age one when she had to have a $2000 operation, I was terrified. My stomach still fills with knots every time she has any medical issue. I buy her toys, food, health insurance and take her to PetSmart just to see how happy it makes her to ride in the car and run around the store. I walk her four times a day, give her baths, and tend to her happiness. She’s still the center of attention in our home to this day and I know her life will have seemed too short someday when she’s gone. For all the work and money we put into this dog, I’d never go back in time and not have her. The happiness she brings to my life far exceeds the work involved. Based on this experience, I know I have a paternal or parental instinct built into me. The unknown scares me, and I worry about new experiences, but now I know that raising these babies will bring even more joy than the dog. It’ll be like the same experience, only bigger! I’m going to realize strengths that I never knew I possessed, and the work will be a hundred times greater. But I predict the return will be a hundred times greater too.

Now we had the house, an open and accepting neighborhood, support of friends and good schools. I found myself open to the idea of having a child, but scared nonetheless. When it comes to big change, I’m usually conservative. But Nick’s personality balances me out as he generally does what he wants to based on his gut feelings. The feeling of that higher power taking control is back, and things are happening for a reason. Life is changing forever.

Welcome!

2007-10-23T13:03:00.001-06:00

Hello and welcome!

I have no clue who will find my journey interesting, but it is quite a developing story. I suppose it began 12 years ago when I met my partner. We fell in love and have been in a monogamous relationship ever since. We're pretty average guys leading average lives and not really a part of the gay community in our city, although we have a few gay couple friends in our neighborhood. I'm white, he's African American, and we're close in age. We live in a nice house in a newer neighborhood where neighbors are close and supportive.

So what's the interesting part? We're soon to become parents of twins via egg donor and surrogate. Not until next year, so there's still plenty of time to freak out. Currently our surrogate is eight weeks along. We both flew to California for the embryo transfer in early September, and she knew a week later that she was pregnant. The babies will be half African American, half white to reflect our races and look a bit like both of us.

We have ultrasound pictures of the two black blobs in our surrogate's womb stuck to the front of our stainless, side-by-side refrigerator in our pristine kitchen. After growing up with a mother who felt it necessary to cover the entire refrigerator with magnets, papers, ads, and coupons, I swore my refrigerator would always be clutter free. But here I am, 8 weeks into fatherhood, already breaking my own rule. A side of me fears this will eventually lead to the refrigerator becoming a canvas for our children's artwork - stick figures, scribbles, hand outline turkeys made from construction paper. But I'm in a state of change. Our house looks like a model - colors coordinated, furniture carefully chosen, everything in it's place. I'm a neat freak - probably a direct result of being a gay man who grew up in a cluttered, disorganized home. Now I look around the house, wondering what will need to go, what needs more organization, and where all the baby gear will be. There's no way to keep a model home with twin babies. Eventually I'll teach them the art of putting things back and making beds. But for now, I'm reconditioning myself to keep a clean, but less organized home.

So many gay men seem to be anti-children. They're loud, messy, and expensive. When my partner first brought up the idea of a baby, all I could think of was sticky figerprints, poopy diapers, screaming, and a major interruption of my life. It's easy to see why gay men feel this way. Most of us dropped the idea of kids from our minds way back when we realized we were gay. It's just not expected of us and not always even possible. But times are changing - especially for me.

I'm going to post a bit back in time to give a sense of how we arrived at this day in our relationship and how a once self described "happily childless" gay man finds himself standing in the empty nursery-to-be, fondly imagining the pounding of little feet on hardwood floors, giggles, crying, and late night feedings - activities that will happen in the room in the next few years.